My Conclusion

I just figured shit out.

I found the answer to why I had that fling with Colin last summer.

Why I tend to be flirtatious.

Why I like physical contact with guys.

Why John couldn't deal with that.

Why I couldn't deal with John not dealing with that.

Why I was constantly trying to prove myself to John...etc etc on that note.

Another reason why I had to break up with John.

Why I have a facebook.

Why I blog.

Why I drink.

They all have the same answer.



(Don't look too closely at that...I didn't feel like actually working it out.:P )


In other words... (?!) My whole life I have had the image of "perfect." I was the perfect baby with blue eyes and blonde hair in ringlets...

Then I was a Palmer.*

Then I was Catholic and not only Catholic but home schooled. That meant that not only I was a "solid Catholic" I was also uber intelligent.

*Then I was a Catholic Palmer which meant I had to be part of the only family in the entire expanse of the Palmer Family that didn't screw up.

Then I was the daughter of a gymnastics coach.

Then I was a gymnast.

Then I was the best gymnast.

etc

etc

etc

So all my life I have been held to this façade of perfection. It didn't really start to bug me until I got into high school and I realized that some things in life are challenging? And I may not ALWAYS come out on top, in fact, I may not always even succeed at all. So I struggled with that inferiority complex for four years.

When I graduated I was put on Citalopram which gave me a huge boost of confidance. Suddenly, I realized that I didn't have to give a fuck about being perfect and I could do whatever the hell I wanted. So I started fucking up on purpouse. Because I could.

And I've been doing that ever since.

Why did Colin happen? Because I shouldn't have done it. Because being good meant not doing it. Because I wanted attention. I wanted someone to see me fucking up and finally realize that I wasn't perfect. (Same reason for flirting and physical contact.) John had the honor of being that person...but then of course, I was ashamed. Because John was the only person I wanted to think I was perfect. Guess that plan back-fired. But at least it got me some attention. Secretly, I wanted to know if John would chase after me. He didn't. But you know what? If he had, I would have only been happy for as long as he was chasing. Then I would be bored again.

John couldn't deal with that because he didn't see it in this light. All he saw was me not being perfect when he thought I was. Because he saw it as me being a slut. As me not wanting to be with him anymore.

I couldn't deal with that because I was tired of trying to prove how good I was to everyone. I just wanted to fuck up and have that be okay. I was tired...17 years and I was frickin' tired.

But I did it anyway. Why? Because, like I said, John was the only one I wanted to think I was perfect. Becauses I had myself convinced that I was nothing without him. This area is still a little grey for me. That's why I had to break up with him. I don't know why the fuck I did it anyway, it didn't make sense. So I stopped.

Why do I have xanga and facebook? Because I feel the inherient need to PROVE to the world that not only am I not perfect, but I'm not a horrible person. So I throw my shit up on the internet for who-even-cares to read to prove a point. Sometimes I'm perfect, sometimes I'm a fuck up, and sometimes I'm in between. And that makes me NORMAL.

Why do I drink? Because a lot of people view it as a bad thing. Because that's one part of my life that I can "control." Or CHOOSE not to control, if you will.

That's where Minesweeper comes in. I figure this out about one thing, and it's like all the sudden it applies to a bunch of other "boxes" in my life. So I go through, figure out which ones they are, flag them, and then try to clean out the rest of my life. Then, when I'm ready, I'm going to hit that last box and all those mines are going to explode and disappear.

Someday, hopefully soon, I'm not going to feel the desire to facebook, or blog, or drink. Because I have nothing to prove. Because I'm not perfect, and I'm not not perfect: I'm me. And that's good enough for me. And that's all that matters.

Summertime

Sunday I went to Buttermilk Falls in Ithica, NY. It was incredibly beautiful. We got into the park for free but realized afterwards it was because swimming was closed. :(

But it was okay because we hike up the trail a little ways untill we found some smaller waterfalls and deep pools where some other people were swimming. Gosh I wish I had my camera because it was beautiful. I guess I will just have to settle for some pictures I pulled from the web.

Here is the main Falls (to the right is the trail we went up):



The area we swam in was a bit like this, but of course, this wasn't it. lol

At least I don't think....it's hard to tell with the time exposure and the water level being a higher in the photo than it was when we were there. It does look familiar though. Hm.




Full sized photos:

http://nysparks.state.ny.us/parks/images/f0443f00-b416-4741-b2d8-419d86d76b4a.jpg

http://3547.voxcdn.com/photos/11/63/189713_l.jpg

(A)pathetic way to be

I think the two things that are killing me the most right now are this:

1) I realized that I don't HAVE to care about every word every person says to me. And that I don't have to make everyone happy all the time. Thus, I'm having a difficult time caring about everything that is going on with my parents right now. It's like, look, I know I'm suppoed to go back to FUS and that's that. But they seem to have to drag all this drama and skelletons out of the closet into this and I just...well, I don't give a fuck. Which of course, only makes things worse so I am trying, really I am. But it's just...difficult.

"I'mma do the things that I wanna do..." etc.

2) It was my parents' own fault that I "slipped between the cracks" last year. It was their hypocrasy that pushed me away from the faith. But of course, they don't see that. To them, it's all about me and my poor life choices due to laziness and uncontrolled sexual urges. DUH. Never mind that out of their (particularly my mom) mouth they were preaching patients, self-control, respect, family unity, and Christian love, etc. etc., and out of their (her) fists they were preaching alcholizm, uncontrolled rage, physical AND mental abuse, etc. etc...

"Save your sympathy, who'd you think you're fooling? Everything is dead; now you welcome me to a town called hypocracy."

To blog or not to blog

The past few days I have been debating on whether or not I want this blog to be a place where I talk about my life, or a place where I talk about my philosophies on life. I guess my conclusion is to take it one post at a time.

This morning I laid down on the couch for roughly 3 minutes and when I sat up I couldn't move my neck.

I got heat rash Monday all over my torso. God that stuff is painful. My face also broke out due to some OFF I got on my face and my legs are covered in rashes due to sunscreen and chlorine. Summer is NOT my season. *bummed look*

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about all sorts of things in life. Particularly because I'm stuck between two opposing views of life as presented by my parents and Garret. I don't want to say that they are constantly being pushed at me because Garret doesn't push his thoughts on me. I openly and willingly listen to them. My parents do push, but I willingly listen to them too. However, I do tend to agree almost 100% with what Garret says, and I have for a really long time. Finally I have found someone who thinks like me.

But at the same time, I realize that I'm not done growing, and my beliefs may still change. Probably not drastically, but I really am trying to keep an open mind.

My mom and I had a long talk the other night about, well, a lot of things. One of them being school in the fall. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I was reflecting on why I decided to go to FUS in the first place. At first, I wanted to go because I really liked the school, I was excited to go and grow in my faith at a Catholic school, but most importantly, they were the only Catholic school of my desired size that had my major (The only other Catholic College that had it was John Paul the Great but I was looking for a student body a little larger that...well, 35. [No, not hundred.]) But slowly my mind turned away from my original basis for my decision and I allowed my relationship to reinforce my decision until it got to the point that that was the only reason why I was going there. When I got there, I realized I hated the school. But when I look back now, I'm not convinced it wasn't because I was putting so much into one particular relationship that I didn't have the time/energy left to put into really experiencing the school. When I got home and John and I broke up, I was convinced I never wanted to go back there again. I started looking for other schools immediately. But as I said before, I'm really trying to keep my heart and mind open these days and as time progressed I felt myself being called back to FUS. When we were talking the other night my mom asked me why I wanted to go back. I didn't have an answer. Honestly? I don't want to go back, but I feel like I'm supposed to, so in that way, I do want to. Even thought I despised it there last year, I'm very excited to find out why I'm supposed to be there. It's like God is waving a present in my face and saying, "Come here and I'll let you see what's inside!!"

It feels so weird to say that. Last year I closed my heart so tightly I wouldn't have been caught dead saying something like that. I was convinced God was out of the picture. I could go on and on about what I believed but honestly, it's not worth it. Essentially, I believed God didn't give a fuck about what we did. I'm still not really sure what changed, but I have a sneaky feeling that my break up with John and my relationship with Garret (particularly before we started dating) opened my heart up so much that God was able to just stop by one day and say "Hey, remember me?" And slowly but surely I've once again began to feel His tug on my heart in certain directions. He reminded me of my original reasons for going to FUS and how far away I got from them. I really feel like he's calling me back to try again, like He's giving me a second chance. I don't know how long He'll keep me there, maybe only for a semester, maybe for another 3 years. But I'm taking one semester at a time, and I really feel like there's something I am supposed to do, or learn there this upcoming semester.

Granted, there are still a lot of things about Catholicism that bug me; that I'm not entirely sure I believe in. In fact, some of them I know for certain that I don't believe in. But I feel I need to give it another shot before I give up on it entirely. I've already given the other extreme a shot, right?

My mom has always told me I can't pick and choose what I believe based on what is convenient in my life. But I don't feel I am.

What is absolute truth? And is any religion going to have it? It would mean that that religion is PERFECT, and I really don't believe that that is possible. There is corruption and outrageous teachings even in the Catholic church. So just because I choose not to attend Latin Mass, or follow the teachings of one particular saint, does that mean I am customizing my religion? No, it means I am testing teachings and beliefs against logic, reason, and real world application. Sure, there are some things that can't be explained, but for the things that can, I say they better damn well make sense. This logic can be applied to all the teachings of the church. Look, if it doesn't make sense that contemplating suicide is a mortal sin, I'm not going to believe it. If I don't find solid proof that we are SUPPOSED to go to confession in order to get to heaven, I'm not going to go.

I wish I could work through this thought process more, but Ian is awake now and my duty calls. ;)

Our friends will all make fun of us

...and we'll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way.

The sad thing is, no one would understand.

I never thought that it'd be so simple but
I found a way, I found a way
I always thought that it'd be too crazy but
I found a way, I found a way
If you open up your mind
See what's inside
It's gonna take some time to realize
But if you look inside, I'm sure you'll find
Over your shoulder you know that I told you
I'll always be pickin' you up when you're down
So just turn around
Now that I know that anything's possible
I found a way, I found a way
No one can break what is so unbreakable
I found a way, I found a way
No one cares
What you give
You know you gotta live like you wanna live
When it's time
To be free
You know you gotta be what you wanna be

Pork And Beans

No one will get the appropriateness of the sexual connotations of that title...

I'm at my gradmother's house sitting on her computer because I'm watching my cousin's kid, Ian, who is sleeping behind me on the bed. He is sooooooo precious.

Here is a picture of him right now.



The main purpose of this post however, is to try to sort through everything that happened yesterday. I'm not even entirely sure I want to get into it, it's super long and complicated and confusing because my mom never makes sense about anything. lol You know, I think I'm just going to bullet point (EDIT: Bullets don't work on blogger?) the main points for myself with out explaining them because hell, barely anyone reads this anyway and it would be WAY to large of a task to try to put everything that happened down. Seriously, just yesterday alone could have been a week.

So where to start....

Lengthy conversation with Mike

Liz
Love
Confusion
Me
John
Trust
John and I
Letting go
Holding on
Free will
Choices
The choice to love as opposed to the obligation
Wanting vs. Needing
Fear
True love
The concept of "If you truly love someone you have to be able to let them go."
Tears
The choice to be free

Interview at Little Italy Pizza

Very Brief
20 hrs a week
Cashier
$7.50/hr with possible raises
6 Weeks
Make decision Friday

Long conversation with Mom but more like mom did all the talking (This is where things get bizarre! Idk where she comes up with most of this shit)

Sex
Virginity
Getting married when you're "used goods"
Being Catholic vs. Being a whore
Garret
"Pronography." (As she says it)
Masturbating or "Taking care of it himself" as she calls it (Soooo awkward, mom.)
"All men are animals."
Being genetically engineered to be a slut
John
Relationships
Virginity of the mouth (No, not oral sex, FRENCH KISSING!)
Shirt babies! (I guess sperm can travel for MILES all on their own! [?!])
Purity
Innocence
College loans
FUS
Moving out
Threats
Ultimatums

Long Conversation with Garret

My mom's perspective
My perspective
His perspective
Lots of laughing
"Hold on...hold...on...okay....WHAT?! No, ok....ok so she thinks....AHHH. WHAT?!"
Mind Explosions
"I'm offended that she thinks that about my girlfriend!"
"The (conversation) That-Must-Not-Be-Named" (<-- Marriage)
"Well, it's difficult because we're NOT having that conversation right now." (lol)
"...No...No...Put your mom on." (<-- Every other sentence that wasn't Bullet Pt. #5 lol)
Choices
Options
Breaking up
Bullshitting vs. Getting What You Want
Negotiating
Doing what *I* want to do
Making my own choices

Long conversation with Dad

Making choices
Making good choices
Making them on your own
Guidance
Wisdom of the Church
Wisdom of parents
Maternal/Paternal instinct
Respect
Trust
Garret
Power of Touch
Catholic University Vs. State School
No threats
No ultimatums
"The Slippery Slope"
Being "just friends" after having sex
Gaining trust/respect back
Using the tools given to me
Conversion
Making good choices (again)

Long conversation with Garret (Again)

Dad's perspective
Our relationship
His past relationships
His personal philosophies/things he's learned from past relationships
Why he believes what he believes
What I want
What he wants
What we want
What we like about each other
Why we're together
Happy things :)
Desperately still trying to avoid "The Conversation That Shall Not Be Named." lol
Things that need to be done

This was all because they are CONVINCED I'm having sex, which I'm not, unless that virginity of the mouth thing is real. Then I guess I'm NOT a virgin after all. :P :P

Silly parents...Too bad they would never believe me if I told them I am waiting until I get married to have sex (or "intercourse" as my mom so awkwardly calls it.)

I'm currently listening to 3 songs on loop:

Can't Stand It - NeverShoutNever!

Baby, I love you
I never want to let you go
The more I think about,
The more I want to let you know…
That everything you do,
Is super duper cute
And I can’t stand it

Hitch sings that all the time and it's stuck in my head most of the time! GARAH! haha

Pork and Beens - Weezer

I'mma do the things that I wanna do
I ain't got a thing to prove to you
I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if I make a scene
I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like
I'm fine and dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and I'm tickled pink
I don't give a hoot about what you think

This song is basically my theme song right now, so it's no surprise it popped into my head today when my mom was trying to pick a fight with me about my bra and how I wear ones that are "too small..." These are the same bra's that I've been wearing all year, so if she means "skimpy" rather than "small" I don't know why she didn't take this up with me before I left for school. Huh.

Do Better - Say Anything

Your life is always the post of something else
Where's the present?
The way that you present yourself
And it's disgusting how little that you try
The existential equivalent of pink eye

Drink alone and watch TV
Your'e expecting harmonies
To tap your tune with silver spoons
The anthem of impending doom

You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world

I don't think it would be good for me to explain this one.

Russian Roulett is not the same without a gun...It's worse.

I am so fucking fucked. I can't win for loosing I swear. I don't even think I should be writing right now, I'm tired. And when I'm tired, I don't think clearly.

John let me talk to him...I can't even begin to explain the feeling the surged through me when he could say whatever I wanted. I did the best I could to fit everything in but, I just don't think it was enough? But it's all I have. I want to be honest, I want to be open, I don't want to feel I have to hide anything, but at the same time, I feel like the more honest I am, the further away I become to where I want to be. I want him to know that everything I said in that message was true, and that it hardly even touched how deeply I feel that...

I was just reading his blog and on it there was a post from last summer where he said he wanted to break up with me but he couldn't give up on me. That just...it just blew my mind. John is such a fantastic guy, I really believe that. I wish I had known before that he felt...no. No. I'm doing it again.

On a similar note. I'm retarded. I do the stupidest things. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. No, really. Anytime I should say something, I don't. And if I shouldn't say something...well...you can pretty much count on me to say it. I just want to smash my head into a brick wall right now.

I need to stop writing because I really feel like I'm going to, once again, say something I shouldn't.

But John, if you're reading this, which I really...didn't think anyone did anymore...What I said in that message was all true. And like I said, it's all I have to offer.

I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas plays

Garret: He has all the cards, Anne. YOU want him back. He won't recipricate until he feels HE wants you back. Then you can make any arrangement you want.

Me: Damn poker.

Garret: Laugh out loud. Damn poker indeed. But you know he wants you back, so you can call his bluff and try to press him off his cards. Most likely he'll just fold if you're too agressive...the play is to wait. Lure him into a sense of security. Have him bet and then instantly call. At least that's how I'd play it. Another popular play is to wait till he bets, then raise him. Therefore 'calling' his bluff. Depending on how good he thinks he is, he might call you or raise you. And hang out with you, or whatever. But if he knows he is beat, he might fold, so you kinda gotta know your man.

Me: Auuuuuuuuugh. Lady GaGa's version of poker is sooooo much easier. *pout*

Me: That was a joke, I don't want to play her kind of poker. I just want him as a friend.

Garret: Anne. It's all the same game. Just gotta remove the sex for friends.

Haha <3

Life is insane right now.

There are so many things I want to say, and explain, and get out but I'm tired and I got distracted watching a video on youtube or whatever and I lost my train of thought.

I'm a new person. I like who I am now. Fuck, I LOVE who I am now. I'm awesome. :D I'm not perfect, but now I'm okay with that and I don't beat myself up over it. I just try to be the best I can be.

I know no one reads this anymore so sometime soon I want to publicly post a statement about my breakup. I just have to figure out the most appropriate way to do so.

I want to tell everyone that I don't want them to feel like they have to take sides. I still feel like John is a terrific guy and has the potential to be a great friend. Just because things didn't work out between us, and he wasn't someone who was good for me (at least in a relationship) doesn't mean anyone should hate him or harbor bad feelings about him. By saying this I am hoping to also pull people from the otherside who have sided against me. I know this is going to be an almost impossible task because of the way John feels about the whole situaion, but I feel like I should say once, for everyone to know. I did not cheat on John. And Yes, I did love him very very much at one point in time. Actually I did so for a very extended period of time. I still care about him dearly and I wish we could still be friends, but that isn't up to me anymore. I have done everything I can to refute his accuisations and prove myself innocent of his convictions but when the truth is the truth, and someone wont believe it, what else can you do?

John, you will always hold a very very special place in my heart. Part of me will always still love you, even if we can't spend forever together.

Please forgive me for anything I have done that has hurt you, and know it was never intentional.

--

In relateld news, I did meet a guy. His name is Garret. Yeah, he's 23 years old but we get along. He's a great guy, though some people may think he's crazy, I believe that (to quote the movie Peaceful Warrior) "Sometimes you have to lose your mind before you come to your senses." He has a unique view of the world, life, and people that I find facinating. I don't want to go on and on with a list of his qualities but there is something different between us then there was between John and I....there's nothing.

There are no fears, no insecurities, no hurt, no brokeness....

I don't know how to explain it, but getting to know him and allowing him to get to know me has transformed me. This isn't a relationship which allows me to say "I'm so happy when I'm with him." This relationship has helped me say "I can be anything I want to be with or without him." It's weird to be with someone I don't NEED. Honestly? I could drop Garret like a hot pototo at any time and be "okay."

While I was figuring out how to explain this relationship I had a conversation with a friend on facebook, here's what came out of it:

"He lets me do what I want, he never tells me I can or can't do anything. That sounds weird...We're together because we WANT to be together...If I WANTED to go make out with another guy, Garret wouldn't say "you can't do that." however...if I did, that would probably make him not WANT to be with me anymore...so there are consequences but the way we see it, we should both be able to do whatever we think is best for oursleves and do whatever is going to make us happy. since we don't NEED eachother...there's no pressure to make certain decisions."

I know most people probably will still not understand this, but it's a good feeling. And for now, I am happy having the freedom to do what I want whether that be dace around the kitchen to Owl City and Jason Derullo with my boyfriend while making pancakes or riding solo for a bit.

I am kind of in a strange trance right now.

A few hours ago I had a conversation with Mike that just, I don't know, blew my mind.

Lately I have been trying to orchestrate a trip to see him via John and Yorrick. My plan is, to take a bus down to see John for a few days, have him drive me up to see Mike and then have Yorrick help me get home, basically. Of course, I am super excited to see John and ACTUALLY meet Yorrick. :D

But anyway, today I told Mike I might be able to come see him in two weeks. Somewhere in the conversation he said he might cry.

I just...

...No one's ever cried when they saw me before.

I just have such mixed emotions right now. Like, on one hand, I really want to see John. I miss him, really. But...it's been so much longer since I've seen Mike.

And the past few days. Ugh. I'm sorry, words just....they don't have the capacity to describe my relationship with Mike. Ever. lol It's just so...insense. Which again, doesn't adequately describe it alone.

But anyway. How am I going to be when I have to say goodbye to John for who knows how long and say hello to Mike at the same time? How is John going to feel when I race off happily to Mike? How is Mike going to feel when he sees me kiss John goodbye? What if I race through my time with John because I'm anxious to see Mike and regret it late?

Part of me wants to just focus on how excited I am to see Yorrick in order to those thoughts out.

But I can't just do that...

Who am I more excited to see?

WHY (*slams fingers on keys*). WHY is it that everytime my relationship with John get's...weird...and distant....no. I can't...no.

no no no no no

I know where that's going.

You know what? Having someone who can see and feel you when they're hours and hours away is REALLY....

....

....

....really....

frusterating.

Don't ever try it, okay?

I just...I can't get that mental image out of my head. The one of me hugging Mike, and Mike crying into my shoulder, and that...electric feeling there is when we touch. Like two live wires being connected. And John just...standing there next to the car in the distance.

Would he ever understand? Can he ever understand? Should he ever understand?

I want John to come back. I feel like he's fading into the background. We're not...on the same level anymore.

When I left school I was shaking, and sobbing. I felt like my heart was being ripped straight out of my chest. It was like I couldn't even function THINKING about leaving John's side. His support, his love, his patience, his hugs, his eyes, his breath....everything was mine. When he breathed, he breathed strength into me. His heartbeats kept the blood pumping through my veins. When I buried my head in his shoulders, my thoughts stablized. I couldn't imagine leaving him. I knew it would be like running on low battery trying to live far away from him, and for the first few days it was. But now....now, we barely talk. He's constantly "busy." And all I can do is sit here at my house, alone, the tragedies of my family muffled into the background, with that image of seeing Mike running through my head. It's like I am physically here, but every move I make is no longer dicated by my thoughts and mind. I see everything around me but it is all so dim and distant. I don't know where my mind is.

Some moments it's on the bus. There's rain on the bus windows. It's dark outside. I'm pulling up to the Easton station where John is waiting for me. I walk down the steps just like I do every other time. I walk out onto the sidewalk and I look around. John's standing there, waiting for me to come over. I walk over calmly, I say hey, he askes me where my bags are and I say on the bus. We walk over together, get my bags, and he luggs them to the car for me. We get in, sit down, and I ask when I can have my hello hug. He huggs me, briefly, awkwardly - sometimes he kisses me - and we drive back to his house, quietly, because we talked about everything on the phone durring my long ride down.

Other moments I'm in the car, riding to see Mike. Oh God, my heart is about to explode, through my eyes I think. I feel what John's feeling. That feeling that comes with saying goodbye. That feeling of forcing yourself to move forward when all you want to do is run back. I know how he must feel driving me to where I will leave him. But at the same time, I feel Mike. I feel him sitting in Torry's car on the way home from work, looking out the window wondering if he could drive any slower. I can see him walking in circles around his little room nervously awaiting my arrival.

Then it switches to that sceen I keep playing over, and over in my head.

Will John cry after he leaves? Will he almost miss a red light because his tears are bluring his vision.

Why is Mike happy to see me come, and John only sad to see me go?

And my thoughts end there.

I don't want another fucking book.

That's all I've ever done for myself. Anytime I didn't know something, I went to books. Anytime I didn't understand something, I went to books. If I didn't understand one book, I went to another to try to figure it out. I read to have fun, I read to keep myself occupied, I read to learn, I read to get away...

I tought myself through highschool by reading books. No teachers but books.

Now I'm a SOPHMORE in COLLEGE. People complain when professors teach off book but you know what? I LIKE it. It bugs the fuck out of me when professors stand there and read out of the book. It makes me ask why I'm paying for this when I could just read the book myself.

Because of books, I can't speak my mind, I can barely speak at all....

Because of that, I have a hard time making friends.

Because of books, all I know how to do is write.

Because of books, I can't take tests.

Because I never had to take tests in high school. How can I give myself a test?

I get stressed, I panic, my head foggs over, everything I know I temporarily loose.

I could get help...yeah, I could get special permission to take tests outside the classroom, etc. But oh. I can't just TELL them this happens. I have to go to a psychologist.

I tell my parents this and what do they do?

THEY GIVE ME A BOOK.

*smashes keyboard*

I haven't lost myself in a long time

I never tried to care when i wanted to

I just want to be part of something

I just want to be real like you

Not that I need to write anymore this week, but there's something that has been bothering me.

Sometimes I feel like John doesn't, I don't know, put as much into this relationship as I do. I mean, I guess that's not quite the right wording. He does put a lot into to it...a lot of money, mostly. And a fair enough amount of time, but I keep thinking about all the things I've had to go through for him...because of him...

Now that we're at school, things aren't quite how we had hopped them to be. But for some different reasons. He expected to come here, make a ton of friends, join the rugby team, be a great athlete, do great in Bio...etc.

I came here expecting to grow in my faith, make a few close friends, do well academically, and most importantly, be able to spend lots, and lots, of time with the person I love the most in this world.

Well, John may have failed in Bio, and he may not have made a hundred friends, but he's still a part of a team. Even if they're not always the nicest to him...at least he's a part of something.

Me, I haven't made a single "close" friend here, I'm...passing...but not with the flying colors every freshman hopes to have. I'm a part of nothing. No sports teams, no clubs, no households, nothing. My roommate hardly talks to me, I watch movies by myself, I study by myself, half the time I eat by myself, I DJ by myself, I watch Rugby by myself...and am I the only one here who LIKES rap and hard rock? I'm not even a part of my family anymore...

Now the rugby team is planing a trip to Ireland for Spring Break next year.
Today, when I was cleaning in the Athletic Offices I saw a poster advertising the trip, and I admit, I was frantically blinking back tears. When I saw it, I felt like something cold and hard hit me in the chest.

He's leaving again.

I know it's a year away, but you guys have no idea what I went through last time he went to Ireland. And that was with his family...this time will be with his friends.

I froze. I completely shut down when he was gone. I wanted to cut every inch of my flesh off. I couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't think. I couldn't eat...I couldn't sleep...I had nightmares...I couldn't breathe most of the ten days he was gone.

Then, when he finally came home, I was so locked up I still couldn't talk. It was like I had forgotten. My brain was frozen; I couldn't think of what to say, and even if I had, my facial muscles wouldn't have let me formed the words.

He almost broke up with me after that trip...because of how I was. And I couldn't explain to him why I was being the way I was. All I know is one night, I literally felt the life being drained out of my body. I was going to die. And that's not being dramatic...I don't know why, or how, that worked, but I just knew I was going to. I began to lose my sight and my hearing, my whole body felt weak and numb. Everything, that is, except my heart, which was on fire.

So now I wonder, has he felt that way about me?

I know we both went through a lot last summer, I put him through a lot...we put each other trough a lot. But would he do that volunteerly? If I had a chance to hang out with a group of friends, would he give up our special movie night and let me go?
Would he give up a badly needed day of studying just to support me in a performance or competition?

He wouldn't even come home with me to help me take care of my sisters....

I am in desperate need of a long rant.

Have I mentioned that I hate people? Yes, I find them fascinating, but why do they all have to be pricks? Everything is about them. Everyone has a selfish motivation behind everything they do.

I dreamed a half conscious dream last night as I was still falling asleep that I told off Kyle O'Day from the rugby team...finally. I just yelled and yelled and yelled right in his face about how everyone here pretends to be so good and holy and how the sports program claims to be superior because faith bonds the teams and respect and dignity is fostered in all the players and how it's all such bull shit. I asked him how people could bring themselves to play on a team "based" on those standard when all they want to do is exclude people, make fun of people, single people out, and do anything BUT encourage and applaud good efforts. I yelled about how people like him disgusted me and how it was wrong how he, and everyone else at this school, take the people that are a little different (and often at least one cut above them) like John (and me) and think it's FUNNY or even okay to single them out and treat them like SHIT - just because they're not them.

The whole time I was telling myself in my head to stay on topic or they were going to laugh at me for being an agnsty teenager who was pissed about things irrelevant to what I was actually "bitching" about.

I gathered quite a good crowed in my dream, everyone stopped playing so they could hear what was going on. I saw them all start giving John looks like they wanted him to stop me, but he just stood there and shrugged.

So now, my question today, as seen on my facebook is, "why do people you've just met stop talking to you after a few months? it's like, "what, I couldn't get to know you and be your friend FAST ENOUGH for you? So now you're just giving up?" wtf people. Maybe if YOU tried a little harder people would respond more...quickly?"

I thought of this as I was surfing around my home page and I saw someone's name whom I met here last semester. I thought he was a cool guy. He was friendly and we talked a lot before and after classes. Now this semester?
Nothing.
He doesn't even acknowledge me when I wave at him. And it's like this with basically everyone I've met here so far.
What the HELL did I do? Why does EVERYONE look at me like I have three heads? And if that's not bad enough, I have to watch people treat John the same way. Which in a way is worse. Because the way I see it is, I can take shit from people. It hurts, but I can deal. But I can't watch other people treat the people I care about in the same way. I can't stand up for myself, but I'd as soon shoot someone for a friend as I would let it go for myself.
When I am with John in the caf and I see a table of rugby players distinctly turn away when he gets near, or actually ignore him when he tries to say hi, I can't make up my mind if I just want to drop my food and start sobbing or if I want to go over there and punch them all in the head more.

Again, I ask: WHAT DID WE DO?

Before falling asleep last night I was thinking about how people used to say I was "such a nice girl." I've changed so much...really I have. So much so that I wonder why exactly they used to call me that? Was it because I was polite? Because I didn't cuss? Because I was quiet and always did what I was told?
That's not me anymore. Since I've been here, I've changed. I've become stronger. Maybe not necessarily in a good way though. More in the way of I'm so sick and tired of SHIT. Everything that comes at me is bull shit. Barely anything goes right for me anymore...and that 100 I get on a paper just isn't enough to outweigh the way people treat me - or don't treat me - here. The crap I put up with. The internal struggle I'm desperately trying not to face about everything that's going on at home; my relationship with my family, etc.
On the outside I act "stronger." I find myself doing things I wouldn't usually do. I'm braver. I vandalize, I risk drinking underage, I swear every other word, I blare my disgusting rap, I talk shit about people, I don't always go to church, I don't pray...And I have perfectly good reasons for all of them. Especially the things pertaining to religion. (Why would I buy into that bullshit? If it makes people the way my mom is, or the so called "Christians" here, why would I intentionally put myself through that? I want to be a good person....really I do. But my view of "good" is so warped and distorted right now, I have so much to sort out...and No. Praying is not going to help me figure my shit out. I tried. It only makes it worse.)
But at the same time, I feel more vulnerable. When someone IS nice to me, I feel like there has to be an ulterior motive to their actions. Sometimes I get mad at everyone around me for not giving me a chance, but the truth is, I'm scared to give myself the chance to get to know people. I like to pretend I'm all tough, but really, I am pathetic. I am that girl everyone looks at and says "wow, what a sheltered freak. she has no social skills."
But is it my fault?
I didn't chose this.
I tried taking drugs.
I considered going to counseling (...I still am). But how do I know I can trust the counselor?
When it comes down to it, my REAL motto in life is "Don't trust anyone but yourself, and even then, be careful."

Oh, what am I do do?

Is it possible for me to even start a post without "Life" being at least in the first sentence if not the first word? I'm tired of making generalizations about how "horrible" life is. Everything is such a drag and I hate it. I just want to be happy. How about some good news for once? Or something to look forward to?

You know what's really hard? Being brave. Having to be brave, forcing yourself not to cry in front of teachers when there's this huge lump in your throat. It's like "Either I don't talk and don't cry, or I start sobbing the second I open my mouth."

That lump fricking hurts too.

I guess I just need a good long rant...I'm not going to do it here though, because crying in a computer lab is totally....well, you know.

Someone should call me....

Today, there is going to be a series of "Today," posts on facebook. FML.

It's always nice to start your day out a half hour earlier than you needed t0 after getting to bed 2 hours later than you intended.

Long time, no post.

But I think it's time for me to once again, attempt to organize my thoughts.

As an update, break was okay. Parts of it were actually good, surprisingly. The actual Christmas holiday wasn't that great, mom was drunk again, as usual and we didn't see much of her or dad amidst the bobbing about between relatives. I went to three masses. It was weird. But I went because of Brian and Rachael.

I guess a lot of stuff happened over break. I finally kindled an actual friendship with Brian. I remember writing close to a year ago about how he was just one more roll model that had let me down. I don't know what happened; I suppose I changed. We both did. He is still very opinionated, but now that I've seen more of the world, I'm not so disappointed in him. Sure, I may not agree with him on everything, but how often do you find someone who you can talk to for 6 hours straight with out ever getting up off the couch?

That's rare.

Hanging out with him over break was strange, but he ended up being a life-saver. Not just because he drove me to the bus station when my mom was too drunk to walk, but talking to him helped me sort a lot of things out. It made me realize that I can't give a damn about what people here think about me. If they want to think I'm a badass, let them. If they want to think I'm just bad, I don't care. I am who I am. I don't do thinks without reason. If they think what I'm doing is wrong, screw them. I don't. If I think something is wrong, I don't do it. Plain and simple.

"...when it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them anyways."

I can't let these people get to me. Of course, that's always easier said than done. A lot of things about this school really irritate me, but I've learned to laugh at them.

I decided that I don't have to ride the fence if I don't want to. No one, no situation, nothing can make me choose a side and nothing can make me stay in the middle. I'm making my own side: I am going to force this two sided fence into a triangle. And who's to stop me?

I don't have to drink a lot and do weed just because I don't want to go to mass or join a household. And I don't have to go on mission trips and go to Praise and Worship just because I don't want to smoke and have sex. I think I'm slowly starting to find my core again: Those few friends that are looking to have a good time but not do anything ridiculously stupid. [Note I said "ridiculously." Sneaking beer into a hotel room full of minors probably only just barely falls short of ridiculously stupid. :P]

But we didn't get mad drunk...we just hung out and watched Comedy Central and Family Guy and eventually fell asleep.

But anyway, back on topic. I'm making my own side now. I'm not so desperate to feel accepted as I was last semester. Of course my confidence level in the classroom is a totally different story. Don't even get me started on Spanish. I actually started crying in class today....

Moving on....

I've also realized that I attract the oddest mish-mash of people as my friends. I love how we're all so different though. [And I mean that in both senses of the word. ;D] I feel like my social group consists of all the people that don't really fit in anywhere else. Of course, this is not to say that we're all losers who can't make other friends, but what I mean is there is something different about us. Something that doesn't prevent us from blending in, but definitely sets us apart. It's 2:00 in the morning and I'm beginning to wonder if I am making any sense.

Let me say one more thing just to be safe. lol

Every day I walk into the caf, or I'm wandering about in various buildings and I see many different groups of people. There are the "Pre-The's", the household groups, the jocks, the preps, the "virginity rocks" girls, the "why the fuck are you at a Catholic college?" people, etc. Then there is this one group of people that is so...odd. They're like the left-overs. Some of them are really pretty, some of them are really ugly, some are smart, some are stupid. I don't really see HOW they fit together other than the fact that there is something...weird about all of them (and I think it's more than just they're clothes); they definitely stand out. My group isn't like that. We are the invisibles. We're the ones that no one notices. We're the kids who constantly get asked "do you go here?" and "Hey are you...? Oh, no, sorry. You just look like someone else." lol

But you know what? We're awesome. And to everyone who thinks we're not I have one thing to say to you:

"Screw you guys, I'm goin' home."

Night all.