John let me talk to him...I can't even begin to explain the feeling the surged through me when he could say whatever I wanted. I did the best I could to fit everything in but, I just don't think it was enough? But it's all I have. I want to be honest, I want to be open, I don't want to feel I have to hide anything, but at the same time, I feel like the more honest I am, the further away I become to where I want to be. I want him to know that everything I said in that message was true, and that it hardly even touched how deeply I feel that...
I was just reading his blog and on it there was a post from last summer where he said he wanted to break up with me but he couldn't give up on me. That just...it just blew my mind. John is such a fantastic guy, I really believe that. I wish I had known before that he felt...no. No. I'm doing it again.
On a similar note. I'm retarded. I do the stupidest things. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. No, really. Anytime I should say something, I don't. And if I shouldn't say something...well...you can pretty much count on me to say it. I just want to smash my head into a brick wall right now.
I need to stop writing because I really feel like I'm going to, once again, say something I shouldn't.
But John, if you're reading this, which I really...didn't think anyone did anymore...What I said in that message was all true. And like I said, it's all I have to offer.
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