Life is insane right now.

There are so many things I want to say, and explain, and get out but I'm tired and I got distracted watching a video on youtube or whatever and I lost my train of thought.

I'm a new person. I like who I am now. Fuck, I LOVE who I am now. I'm awesome. :D I'm not perfect, but now I'm okay with that and I don't beat myself up over it. I just try to be the best I can be.

I know no one reads this anymore so sometime soon I want to publicly post a statement about my breakup. I just have to figure out the most appropriate way to do so.

I want to tell everyone that I don't want them to feel like they have to take sides. I still feel like John is a terrific guy and has the potential to be a great friend. Just because things didn't work out between us, and he wasn't someone who was good for me (at least in a relationship) doesn't mean anyone should hate him or harbor bad feelings about him. By saying this I am hoping to also pull people from the otherside who have sided against me. I know this is going to be an almost impossible task because of the way John feels about the whole situaion, but I feel like I should say once, for everyone to know. I did not cheat on John. And Yes, I did love him very very much at one point in time. Actually I did so for a very extended period of time. I still care about him dearly and I wish we could still be friends, but that isn't up to me anymore. I have done everything I can to refute his accuisations and prove myself innocent of his convictions but when the truth is the truth, and someone wont believe it, what else can you do?

John, you will always hold a very very special place in my heart. Part of me will always still love you, even if we can't spend forever together.

Please forgive me for anything I have done that has hurt you, and know it was never intentional.

--

In relateld news, I did meet a guy. His name is Garret. Yeah, he's 23 years old but we get along. He's a great guy, though some people may think he's crazy, I believe that (to quote the movie Peaceful Warrior) "Sometimes you have to lose your mind before you come to your senses." He has a unique view of the world, life, and people that I find facinating. I don't want to go on and on with a list of his qualities but there is something different between us then there was between John and I....there's nothing.

There are no fears, no insecurities, no hurt, no brokeness....

I don't know how to explain it, but getting to know him and allowing him to get to know me has transformed me. This isn't a relationship which allows me to say "I'm so happy when I'm with him." This relationship has helped me say "I can be anything I want to be with or without him." It's weird to be with someone I don't NEED. Honestly? I could drop Garret like a hot pototo at any time and be "okay."

While I was figuring out how to explain this relationship I had a conversation with a friend on facebook, here's what came out of it:

"He lets me do what I want, he never tells me I can or can't do anything. That sounds weird...We're together because we WANT to be together...If I WANTED to go make out with another guy, Garret wouldn't say "you can't do that." however...if I did, that would probably make him not WANT to be with me anymore...so there are consequences but the way we see it, we should both be able to do whatever we think is best for oursleves and do whatever is going to make us happy. since we don't NEED eachother...there's no pressure to make certain decisions."

I know most people probably will still not understand this, but it's a good feeling. And for now, I am happy having the freedom to do what I want whether that be dace around the kitchen to Owl City and Jason Derullo with my boyfriend while making pancakes or riding solo for a bit.