I am in desperate need of a long rant.

Have I mentioned that I hate people? Yes, I find them fascinating, but why do they all have to be pricks? Everything is about them. Everyone has a selfish motivation behind everything they do.

I dreamed a half conscious dream last night as I was still falling asleep that I told off Kyle O'Day from the rugby team...finally. I just yelled and yelled and yelled right in his face about how everyone here pretends to be so good and holy and how the sports program claims to be superior because faith bonds the teams and respect and dignity is fostered in all the players and how it's all such bull shit. I asked him how people could bring themselves to play on a team "based" on those standard when all they want to do is exclude people, make fun of people, single people out, and do anything BUT encourage and applaud good efforts. I yelled about how people like him disgusted me and how it was wrong how he, and everyone else at this school, take the people that are a little different (and often at least one cut above them) like John (and me) and think it's FUNNY or even okay to single them out and treat them like SHIT - just because they're not them.

The whole time I was telling myself in my head to stay on topic or they were going to laugh at me for being an agnsty teenager who was pissed about things irrelevant to what I was actually "bitching" about.

I gathered quite a good crowed in my dream, everyone stopped playing so they could hear what was going on. I saw them all start giving John looks like they wanted him to stop me, but he just stood there and shrugged.

So now, my question today, as seen on my facebook is, "why do people you've just met stop talking to you after a few months? it's like, "what, I couldn't get to know you and be your friend FAST ENOUGH for you? So now you're just giving up?" wtf people. Maybe if YOU tried a little harder people would respond more...quickly?"

I thought of this as I was surfing around my home page and I saw someone's name whom I met here last semester. I thought he was a cool guy. He was friendly and we talked a lot before and after classes. Now this semester?
Nothing.
He doesn't even acknowledge me when I wave at him. And it's like this with basically everyone I've met here so far.
What the HELL did I do? Why does EVERYONE look at me like I have three heads? And if that's not bad enough, I have to watch people treat John the same way. Which in a way is worse. Because the way I see it is, I can take shit from people. It hurts, but I can deal. But I can't watch other people treat the people I care about in the same way. I can't stand up for myself, but I'd as soon shoot someone for a friend as I would let it go for myself.
When I am with John in the caf and I see a table of rugby players distinctly turn away when he gets near, or actually ignore him when he tries to say hi, I can't make up my mind if I just want to drop my food and start sobbing or if I want to go over there and punch them all in the head more.

Again, I ask: WHAT DID WE DO?

Before falling asleep last night I was thinking about how people used to say I was "such a nice girl." I've changed so much...really I have. So much so that I wonder why exactly they used to call me that? Was it because I was polite? Because I didn't cuss? Because I was quiet and always did what I was told?
That's not me anymore. Since I've been here, I've changed. I've become stronger. Maybe not necessarily in a good way though. More in the way of I'm so sick and tired of SHIT. Everything that comes at me is bull shit. Barely anything goes right for me anymore...and that 100 I get on a paper just isn't enough to outweigh the way people treat me - or don't treat me - here. The crap I put up with. The internal struggle I'm desperately trying not to face about everything that's going on at home; my relationship with my family, etc.
On the outside I act "stronger." I find myself doing things I wouldn't usually do. I'm braver. I vandalize, I risk drinking underage, I swear every other word, I blare my disgusting rap, I talk shit about people, I don't always go to church, I don't pray...And I have perfectly good reasons for all of them. Especially the things pertaining to religion. (Why would I buy into that bullshit? If it makes people the way my mom is, or the so called "Christians" here, why would I intentionally put myself through that? I want to be a good person....really I do. But my view of "good" is so warped and distorted right now, I have so much to sort out...and No. Praying is not going to help me figure my shit out. I tried. It only makes it worse.)
But at the same time, I feel more vulnerable. When someone IS nice to me, I feel like there has to be an ulterior motive to their actions. Sometimes I get mad at everyone around me for not giving me a chance, but the truth is, I'm scared to give myself the chance to get to know people. I like to pretend I'm all tough, but really, I am pathetic. I am that girl everyone looks at and says "wow, what a sheltered freak. she has no social skills."
But is it my fault?
I didn't chose this.
I tried taking drugs.
I considered going to counseling (...I still am). But how do I know I can trust the counselor?
When it comes down to it, my REAL motto in life is "Don't trust anyone but yourself, and even then, be careful."

Oh, what am I do do?