The past few days I have been debating on whether or not I want this blog to be a place where I talk about my life, or a place where I talk about my philosophies on life. I guess my conclusion is to take it one post at a time.
This morning I laid down on the couch for roughly 3 minutes and when I sat up I couldn't move my neck.
I got heat rash Monday all over my torso. God that stuff is painful. My face also broke out due to some OFF I got on my face and my legs are covered in rashes due to sunscreen and chlorine. Summer is NOT my season. *bummed look*
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about all sorts of things in life. Particularly because I'm stuck between two opposing views of life as presented by my parents and Garret. I don't want to say that they are constantly being pushed at me because Garret doesn't push his thoughts on me. I openly and willingly listen to them. My parents do push, but I willingly listen to them too. However, I do tend to agree almost 100% with what Garret says, and I have for a really long time. Finally I have found someone who thinks like me.
But at the same time, I realize that I'm not done growing, and my beliefs may still change. Probably not drastically, but I really am trying to keep an open mind.
My mom and I had a long talk the other night about, well, a lot of things. One of them being school in the fall. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I was reflecting on why I decided to go to FUS in the first place. At first, I wanted to go because I really liked the school, I was excited to go and grow in my faith at a Catholic school, but most importantly, they were the only Catholic school of my desired size that had my major (The only other Catholic College that had it was John Paul the Great but I was looking for a student body a little larger that...well, 35. [No, not hundred.]) But slowly my mind turned away from my original basis for my decision and I allowed my relationship to reinforce my decision until it got to the point that that was the only reason why I was going there. When I got there, I realized I hated the school. But when I look back now, I'm not convinced it wasn't because I was putting so much into one particular relationship that I didn't have the time/energy left to put into really experiencing the school. When I got home and John and I broke up, I was convinced I never wanted to go back there again. I started looking for other schools immediately. But as I said before, I'm really trying to keep my heart and mind open these days and as time progressed I felt myself being called back to FUS. When we were talking the other night my mom asked me why I wanted to go back. I didn't have an answer. Honestly? I don't want to go back, but I feel like I'm supposed to, so in that way, I do want to. Even thought I despised it there last year, I'm very excited to find out why I'm supposed to be there. It's like God is waving a present in my face and saying, "Come here and I'll let you see what's inside!!"
It feels so weird to say that. Last year I closed my heart so tightly I wouldn't have been caught dead saying something like that. I was convinced God was out of the picture. I could go on and on about what I believed but honestly, it's not worth it. Essentially, I believed God didn't give a fuck about what we did. I'm still not really sure what changed, but I have a sneaky feeling that my break up with John and my relationship with Garret (particularly before we started dating) opened my heart up so much that God was able to just stop by one day and say "Hey, remember me?" And slowly but surely I've once again began to feel His tug on my heart in certain directions. He reminded me of my original reasons for going to FUS and how far away I got from them. I really feel like he's calling me back to try again, like He's giving me a second chance. I don't know how long He'll keep me there, maybe only for a semester, maybe for another 3 years. But I'm taking one semester at a time, and I really feel like there's something I am supposed to do, or learn there this upcoming semester.
Granted, there are still a lot of things about Catholicism that bug me; that I'm not entirely sure I believe in. In fact, some of them I know for certain that I don't believe in. But I feel I need to give it another shot before I give up on it entirely. I've already given the other extreme a shot, right?
My mom has always told me I can't pick and choose what I believe based on what is convenient in my life. But I don't feel I am.
What is absolute truth? And is any religion going to have it? It would mean that that religion is PERFECT, and I really don't believe that that is possible. There is corruption and outrageous teachings even in the Catholic church. So just because I choose not to attend Latin Mass, or follow the teachings of one particular saint, does that mean I am customizing my religion? No, it means I am testing teachings and beliefs against logic, reason, and real world application. Sure, there are some things that can't be explained, but for the things that can, I say they better damn well make sense. This logic can be applied to all the teachings of the church. Look, if it doesn't make sense that contemplating suicide is a mortal sin, I'm not going to believe it. If I don't find solid proof that we are SUPPOSED to go to confession in order to get to heaven, I'm not going to go.
I wish I could work through this thought process more, but Ian is awake now and my duty calls. ;)
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