Not that I need to write anymore this week, but there's something that has been bothering me.

Sometimes I feel like John doesn't, I don't know, put as much into this relationship as I do. I mean, I guess that's not quite the right wording. He does put a lot into to it...a lot of money, mostly. And a fair enough amount of time, but I keep thinking about all the things I've had to go through for him...because of him...

Now that we're at school, things aren't quite how we had hopped them to be. But for some different reasons. He expected to come here, make a ton of friends, join the rugby team, be a great athlete, do great in Bio...etc.

I came here expecting to grow in my faith, make a few close friends, do well academically, and most importantly, be able to spend lots, and lots, of time with the person I love the most in this world.

Well, John may have failed in Bio, and he may not have made a hundred friends, but he's still a part of a team. Even if they're not always the nicest to him...at least he's a part of something.

Me, I haven't made a single "close" friend here, I'm...passing...but not with the flying colors every freshman hopes to have. I'm a part of nothing. No sports teams, no clubs, no households, nothing. My roommate hardly talks to me, I watch movies by myself, I study by myself, half the time I eat by myself, I DJ by myself, I watch Rugby by myself...and am I the only one here who LIKES rap and hard rock? I'm not even a part of my family anymore...

Now the rugby team is planing a trip to Ireland for Spring Break next year.
Today, when I was cleaning in the Athletic Offices I saw a poster advertising the trip, and I admit, I was frantically blinking back tears. When I saw it, I felt like something cold and hard hit me in the chest.

He's leaving again.

I know it's a year away, but you guys have no idea what I went through last time he went to Ireland. And that was with his family...this time will be with his friends.

I froze. I completely shut down when he was gone. I wanted to cut every inch of my flesh off. I couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't think. I couldn't eat...I couldn't sleep...I had nightmares...I couldn't breathe most of the ten days he was gone.

Then, when he finally came home, I was so locked up I still couldn't talk. It was like I had forgotten. My brain was frozen; I couldn't think of what to say, and even if I had, my facial muscles wouldn't have let me formed the words.

He almost broke up with me after that trip...because of how I was. And I couldn't explain to him why I was being the way I was. All I know is one night, I literally felt the life being drained out of my body. I was going to die. And that's not being dramatic...I don't know why, or how, that worked, but I just knew I was going to. I began to lose my sight and my hearing, my whole body felt weak and numb. Everything, that is, except my heart, which was on fire.

So now I wonder, has he felt that way about me?

I know we both went through a lot last summer, I put him through a lot...we put each other trough a lot. But would he do that volunteerly? If I had a chance to hang out with a group of friends, would he give up our special movie night and let me go?
Would he give up a badly needed day of studying just to support me in a performance or competition?

He wouldn't even come home with me to help me take care of my sisters....