As an update, break was okay. Parts of it were actually good, surprisingly. The actual Christmas holiday wasn't that great, mom was drunk again, as usual and we didn't see much of her or dad amidst the bobbing about between relatives. I went to three masses. It was weird. But I went because of Brian and Rachael.
I guess a lot of stuff happened over break. I finally kindled an actual friendship with Brian. I remember writing close to a year ago about how he was just one more roll model that had let me down. I don't know what happened; I suppose I changed. We both did. He is still very opinionated, but now that I've seen more of the world, I'm not so disappointed in him. Sure, I may not agree with him on everything, but how often do you find someone who you can talk to for 6 hours straight with out ever getting up off the couch?
That's rare.
Hanging out with him over break was strange, but he ended up being a life-saver. Not just because he drove me to the bus station when my mom was too drunk to walk, but talking to him helped me sort a lot of things out. It made me realize that I can't give a damn about what people here think about me. If they want to think I'm a badass, let them. If they want to think I'm just bad, I don't care. I am who I am. I don't do thinks without reason. If they think what I'm doing is wrong, screw them. I don't. If I think something is wrong, I don't do it. Plain and simple.
"...when it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them anyways."
I can't let these people get to me. Of course, that's always easier said than done. A lot of things about this school really irritate me, but I've learned to laugh at them.
I decided that I don't have to ride the fence if I don't want to. No one, no situation, nothing can make me choose a side and nothing can make me stay in the middle. I'm making my own side: I am going to force this two sided fence into a triangle. And who's to stop me?
I don't have to drink a lot and do weed just because I don't want to go to mass or join a household. And I don't have to go on mission trips and go to Praise and Worship just because I don't want to smoke and have sex. I think I'm slowly starting to find my core again: Those few friends that are looking to have a good time but not do anything ridiculously stupid. [Note I said "ridiculously." Sneaking beer into a hotel room full of minors probably only just barely falls short of ridiculously stupid. :P]
But we didn't get mad drunk...we just hung out and watched Comedy Central and Family Guy and eventually fell asleep.
But anyway, back on topic. I'm making my own side now. I'm not so desperate to feel accepted as I was last semester. Of course my confidence level in the classroom is a totally different story. Don't even get me started on Spanish. I actually started crying in class today....
Moving on....
I've also realized that I attract the oddest mish-mash of people as my friends. I love how we're all so different though. [And I mean that in both senses of the word. ;D] I feel like my social group consists of all the people that don't really fit in anywhere else. Of course, this is not to say that we're all losers who can't make other friends, but what I mean is there is something different about us. Something that doesn't prevent us from blending in, but definitely sets us apart. It's 2:00 in the morning and I'm beginning to wonder if I am making any sense.
Let me say one more thing just to be safe. lol
Every day I walk into the caf, or I'm wandering about in various buildings and I see many different groups of people. There are the "Pre-The's", the household groups, the jocks, the preps, the "virginity rocks" girls, the "why the fuck are you at a Catholic college?" people, etc. Then there is this one group of people that is so...odd. They're like the left-overs. Some of them are really pretty, some of them are really ugly, some are smart, some are stupid. I don't really see HOW they fit together other than the fact that there is something...weird about all of them (and I think it's more than just they're clothes); they definitely stand out. My group isn't like that. We are the invisibles. We're the ones that no one notices. We're the kids who constantly get asked "do you go here?" and "Hey are you...? Oh, no, sorry. You just look like someone else." lol
But you know what? We're awesome. And to everyone who thinks we're not I have one thing to say to you:
"Screw you guys, I'm goin' home."
Night all.
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