Stupid RAs. Just making stuff up as they go along. Stupid broken arm girl. Jealous bitch. Where are the rules anyway? I don't wanna be perceived the way I am, I just want to be perceived the way I am. New Jersey here I come. Man I miss Shannon. And beer. I wonder if they'll give me some. Stupid parties. Who needs a social life anyway? Why can't I just live with John forever and ever under a rock, huh? There's gotta be more to life, than chasing that every temporary high too satisfy me...Bah. Fricking priest. Fricking confusing Catholics. Fuck authority. Who needs bitches anyway? Goddamnit my phone is messed up. Why the hell won't verizon let me register my new one? It's probably no good. I probably waisted 50 bucks on a piece of shit. I wish I could stop biting my nails for pete's sake. Heh. God, you just don't know who to trust around here. Not really trust, but you just don't know where people stand. One misplaced word or comment and all the sudden you grow an extra head or some shit like that. Who actually grows an extra head anyway? Why would people know what that look would even look like? Stupid bitch, drinkin' out of cups, bein' a bitch. Stupid flowers. Stupid Dress. Blank, blank, blank, blank, blank. My thoughts are like a planet that just exploded in space and all these random pieces are floating all over the place. Just floatin' around, never showing any sign of ever getting back together. Man why does making friends come so gosh-darn easy for everyone but me? Even John. EVEN FRICKING JOHN. I hate being "John's g/f", referred to as that, that is. And people think I hate them! Imagine that. Just because I'm quiet. It's only because I never have anything to say. Maybe if I actually had something to say, I would say it. Or maybe I do have things to say but can never get a freaking word in edgewise because all they do is sit around and talk about rugby, rugby, rugby. Not that I hate rugby. Rugby's fine as long as someone isn't dying. Even if it's not John. But really? They say I'm too quiet and all they do is try to talk louder than the other person so they can get THEIR thought in the whole conversation. There's no room in that sort of thing for 3. Goshdarnit. Why is there no "ignore" button on my browser's spell check? And who even likes cheap beer anyway? Huh? It would have been lame, right? It was supposed to be "these girls'" party anyway, and who likes girls? Not me. Never did. Never will. Stupid bitches. Hey and plus, I don't even know a fricking thing about Rugby anyway. I can't even keep up as it is. They just go on and on explaining weird positions, making weird body gestures. None of it makes sense to me. How am I supposed to make friends when no one's interested in what I am? What am I even interested in anyway? Every time I try to mention something it's like they don't even hear me. And I'm freaking invisible too. I walk by a dozen people I know a day and they never even see me. If I say hi there eyes fly open wide like I scared them by jumping out at them from nowhere. I'm just little and invisible and no one really actually cares about me. Some people I stopped even saying hi to because they seemed to stop recognizing me. wtf. really? Am I that bad? I hate being sick. Sick with allergies, sick with a cold, sick with whatever the hell I have. And it's fricking hard to stay hydrated here. And no matter what I do my face won't actually clear up. I'm like "oh look! it's almost better!" and then a second round hits harder than the last. Maybe not harder, but it still hits. It's a never ending battle, I swear. And where the hell am I going to get enough money to survive, huh? I ain't go no money. Now I ain't sayin' I'm a gold digger...but I ain't livin with no broke...broke...whatever. Job. Stupid job. No one's going to want to hire me for a month. That's ridiculous. I'll never make it through the spring semester. Never! What the hell am I going to do? *scratches head* Laura's not even staying in here tonight. She's sleeping in a friend's room...because she has those things. Friends that is. Now I'm really alone. All alone... Stupid brick wall. Why can't I just DO things? What is holding me back? I don't even know anymore. It's like a giant white brick wall and I just stare at it day in and day out, all day, every day, sighing. I don't know what it is, or why I'm supposed to get over it, or what's on the other side, but people keep telling me, "climb!" and I just have to ask why...? Why? Why anything? Why everything? God I hate my Theology class. Just a bunch of BS. Bullshit, yeah right. This is way too long.

End.

*Edit* Looking at how long that is published just made me cry. I'm so pathetic.

So I wanted to write up a new post real quick before my battery dies.

I stayed up until...well, now, starting John's birthday cake! It's 4 layers. And I only had one pan. o.o

So anyway, I'm in the weirdest mood. I don't know how to explain it. Like there's something inside me that just wants to explode. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing at this point. I think it could go either way.

Lately I've been feeling terrible and vulnerable, etc. I miss being able to curl up with John when I feel like that and just feeling the strength and protection of his arms rapped tightly around me, and feeling the steady rhythm of his breath on my neck and knowing everything really isn't as shaky and unstable as I feel they are.

This place sucks for things like that.

But what can you do, eh?

Baking lightened my mood considerably but now I think I'm in zombe mode. Maybe that's what the problem is. Right now I feel nothing. My hands even feel like they're going numb. And after everything I've felt this week...feeling nothing would feel...weird. Ironically.

Well I must go. I can't decide if I should try to sleep or if I should let Beowulf lull my into a boredom so great that my brain just shuts down.

Nah, it's not actually that bad, but reading has a way of doing that to me. XD

Yawn.

Oh. I guess that's my answer.

G'night all.

Ten Things

TEN different things you want to say to ten different people
10. I love you

9. Thank you for my package!

8. I just don't get it.

7. You're a horrible teacher and you make me want to punch a brick wall.

6. I love you, I miss you.

5. Can you please explain our assignment to me?

4. Can I borrow your notes?

3. Lighten up.

2. You're an asshole.

1. YOU MAKE ME SO STRESSED OUT.

NINE things about yourself.
9. My psychology is like a sentence that doesn't make sense. Only each individual letter or word makes sense as you come upon it.
8. I live to help people. I would take a complete stranger off the street and give them a hug if they looked depressed if my own fear didn't get in the way.
7. I stress myself out, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally.
6. I get worked up over the little things and let the big things go very easily.
5. People don't understand how I can love one person so much and how I can know that he's the one I will spend the rest of my life he. They don't believe it's possible.
4. I don't trust people easily at all, but once I do trust you, it takes a LOT to break that trust. The more I trusted you in the first place, the harder it is to break that trust.
3. I get feelings about people and I am only very very rarely wrong. I can pick someone out of a crowd of strangers and know that they will play a big roll in my future life. (A lot of people don't understand this either and they scold me for "judging a book by its cover.")
2. I can feel other people's emotions like they're my own. Sometimes I can feel what they're feeling physically as well, but not as often.
1. I don't know how to be sad then mad. Mad always comes first, and sometimes sad never comes at all.

EIGHT ways to win your heart.
8. Be unique. If I can walk out on the street and pick out four of you, I'm not going to give you the time of day.

7. Be compassionate. Care about others as much as I do. Or at least, care about me as much as I care about other people.

6. Don't be afraid of hugs and other physically contact. Whether you be a girl or a guy, know that I'm a very physical person and I won't feel like we're actually friends until we hug mulitple times a day at least.

5. Have a sense of humor. If you can't crack jokes, at least know when a joke is funny.

4. Think my blond moments are adorable and not retarded. I'm the one that thinks they're retarded, if you agree with me you're going to make me feel like shit and no one wants friends who make them feel like shit.

3. Don't be afraid to say I love you.

2. Have at least as big of a heart as you do a head. If you're head's not that big, I'll still love you if you have a big heart.

1. Be patient with me and don't base our friendship on conditions. I take a lot of patience and unconditional support/love.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot.
7. The week seems to go by so fast here.

6. I really need to clean my room.

5. Why am I so forgetful?!

4. How can someone be as mentally retarded as me?

3. I miss NY autumns.

2. I need chapstick.

1. I wish I had more money.

SIX things you do before you fall asleep.
6. Grab beer, grab rear, shave beard. Haha jk. O_o Um Brush my teeth

5. Clean retainer.

4. Wash face

3. Put in retainer

2. Take out contacts

1. Make mental notes of everything I have to do the next day.

FIVE people who mean a lot at the moment.
5. John

4. Mike

3. Mom

2. Becca

1. Yorrick

FOUR things you're wearing right now.
4. Jeans

3. bra

2. underwear

1. Oh yeah, and a shirt. (muaha)

THREE songs that you listen to often.
3. 21 Guns

2. I'm On A Boat

1. Thug Story

TWO things you want to do before you die.
2. Get married

1. Have a baby.

ONE confession.
1. I really not the good Catholic girl a lot of people think I am. I struggle with it every. single. day. of my life.

I kind of just want to rant for a moment about my Theology teacher.

He's horrible. Absolutely dreadful.

The entire class is like an hour and a half homily. There is no student/teacher interaction, he empasizes all the wrong words in his sentences, when he wants to reiterate something he says it twice; once the way the book says it, and once in a different language, every time he triest to read from a text he never reads what's acutally there; he paraphrases and expects us to follow along, he is absolutely obsessed with a man called Msgr. Luigi Giussani and litterally worships the ground he walked on (which incidentally probably wasn't much more than the floor of his study), he has very little knowledge of ancient philosophers, he gives us words in Greek and Latin and never gives us the definitions, he tells us he wants us to memorize things and then talks way to fast for us to possibly be able to write them down, he speaks like he thinks he's a poet (though a very lousy one he is. in other words, his speach is extrememly formal even though he's not reading anything), he goes on the longest tangents and by the time he gets back to the original subject you've forgotten what it was, he doesn't assign pages to read and just expects you to be caught up to where he is by the next class...

I really should go do spanish. >.>

I figured out why I get so mad every time the topic of Rugby comes up, or every time something makes me think about Rugby.

It's because I'm jealous. Jealous that John has somewhere he belongs and I don't.

I honestly thought that I had gotten over the stage where I confused hurt or sadness with anger, but I guess I was wrong.

John told me that I need to tap into those sad feelings before they become anger because when the sadness is ignored, it builds up and then finally explodes in the form of anger, but I just...can't. I guess I've been surpressing sad feelings for so many years I don't even notice them anymore until it's too late.

WEEEEEEEEEOOOOOO

Coffeecoffeecoffee.

Or in this case, monstermonstermonster!

I just asked my roomate if coffee has two Es in it while looking at my coffee pot box that says "MR. COFFEE" on it. Yes, very astute of me, I know.

So last night was pretty damn awesome.

For the first time since I've been here I think I felt in my element.

Oh I just remembered what I was going to post on Becca's blog. What happened when Jamie saw you, dear?

Anyway. Yesterday was Joe's birthday so John and I took him to Dairy Queen for icecream. On our way out, we met up with Joey (Yes, this will be very confusing for you, I'm sure.) and he came along. (Joey incidentally is John's roomate.) So we went to Dairy Queen and were about to order some icecream when I was like "JOHN. THEY SELL ICE CREAM CAKES HERE." So we made Joe (the birthday boy) go and buy a lighter (cuz he can do that now) at the store across the plaza while we picked out a cake, had "Joey" (confusingly enough) written under the "Happy Birthday" that was already on it, and sturggled to force 18 candels into a frozen "block" (although it wasn't really a BLOCK as BLOCK implies it was square. It wasn't, it was round.) of icecream.

Then we sat down, the four of us, IN THE DAIRY QUEEN and ate the whole cake. (Okay, well, almost the whole cake.) Who would have thought Dairy Queen doesn't have plates? We all had to eat our quater of the cake as it came. :D

Then I was like, "Hey! Let's go to Wal-Mart!" and John was like "But it's 10:00, don't they close at 10?" And I was like, "Pshh. Wal-Mart is open 24 hours man!" So we went to Wal-Mart and got in trouble for playing with foam swords....and I got a cool hoodie in the men's department. (^.^) Anyway, we didn't even leave Wal-Mart until like 11:30. lol And I had an 8 AM class this morning which I still had to complete homework for = the 2 monsters this morning.

Anyway, to get back to being in my element (WOW I think I'm actually completely a thought here.) I was just...blaring music, hanging out with boys, shopping...just...being me, you know? It was pretty cool. I wish it could happen more often. I was really hoping I'd be able to have at least a little something with the Rugby team but I guess that's not going to happen. (Yes, it still stings. :[ )

Anyway, John just called and said he wants to go to lunch now so I think I'll zip down there for a bit.

<3

Beth

PS:

MMMMOOOOONNNNNSSSSSTERRRRRRR!!!

I need to write. This school for some reason decided that xanga.com has too much "innapropriate content" for the students to use it, so they banned it. Of course knowing how much worse xanga is than myspace it makes sense. Not.

Speaking of being banned. I got banned (ok, to be fair, "asked") not to come to Rugby practice anymore because evidentally the Rugby team is made up of a bunch of over-religious pre-pubecent boys who find exerting any sort of manliness in front of a female awkward and innapropriate.

God there are so many things I hate about this school. I just need to rant.

I guess you could say this place is nothing like I'd thought...hoped.

I can't stand how freaking religious everyone is. I came here hoping for a conversion - I feel like I'm getting the opposite. I'm angrier, I swear more, I hate more. I feel like I'm back where I was two summers ago; depressed, hurt, alone...confused.

My classes aren't that hard. Theology is killing me, not because of the assignments, or because of the teacher, but because I have to sit there for 110 minutes a week listening to the same bullshit I've been hearing my whole life. It has no meaning to me, no deapth, it's just a bunch of defineless words strung together to sound nice.

It's coming between John and I too. He's getting the conversion I deserve. Things are starting to make sense to him. The Rugby team has given him new life, new hope, new meaning. I don't understand it. Why? Why him? Why with the people I'm so angry at? Should I be angry at him too, but because, for the first time in my life, I don't understand him? No, but it's hard not to be. It's a subconcious thing. I've grown to hate anything Catholic. I'm not to the point where I can deny God's existance, or even God's love for us, but it just seems so distant. So impersonal.

I'm sick too. I don't know if it's allergies or a head cold, but I slept like 3.5 hours this afternoon. I'm probably going to pay for that later. Oh well, at least I wasn't thinking about the Rugby practice I was missing, right?

I think I might be starting to make a FEW friends. One in particular. This girl Liz. She's really nice and she's more...I don't know how to say it. I guess she's less "conservative" than the rest of the school...like me. Not as bad, she's still really Catholic, but I don't know. We'll see how that goes.

I'm not going to lie. I miss my boys so freaking much. It's driving me up a wall. Every time I think about you guys I want to cry. THERE ARE NO BOYS HERE! Okay, there are, but they're so....well, example: the rugby team.

Nate, Mike, Jersy, Yorrick, WHERE ARE YOU? I need you. :'(

I think that's why it's so hard for me to make friends here. I've never been able to get a long with girls that well (Jobeth and Laura being a super special exception for some reason) and the boys here just won't. give. It's like they're on a different planet. Like either they're looking for a wife (*checks Beth off the list*) or they're going to be priests (*checks Beth and all other girls off the list*)

I think I could probably go on and on but I won't. I wish I felt better. I need to hit a punching bag a few hundreded times.