I am kind of in a strange trance right now.

A few hours ago I had a conversation with Mike that just, I don't know, blew my mind.

Lately I have been trying to orchestrate a trip to see him via John and Yorrick. My plan is, to take a bus down to see John for a few days, have him drive me up to see Mike and then have Yorrick help me get home, basically. Of course, I am super excited to see John and ACTUALLY meet Yorrick. :D

But anyway, today I told Mike I might be able to come see him in two weeks. Somewhere in the conversation he said he might cry.

I just...

...No one's ever cried when they saw me before.

I just have such mixed emotions right now. Like, on one hand, I really want to see John. I miss him, really. But...it's been so much longer since I've seen Mike.

And the past few days. Ugh. I'm sorry, words just....they don't have the capacity to describe my relationship with Mike. Ever. lol It's just so...insense. Which again, doesn't adequately describe it alone.

But anyway. How am I going to be when I have to say goodbye to John for who knows how long and say hello to Mike at the same time? How is John going to feel when I race off happily to Mike? How is Mike going to feel when he sees me kiss John goodbye? What if I race through my time with John because I'm anxious to see Mike and regret it late?

Part of me wants to just focus on how excited I am to see Yorrick in order to those thoughts out.

But I can't just do that...

Who am I more excited to see?

WHY (*slams fingers on keys*). WHY is it that everytime my relationship with John get's...weird...and distant....no. I can't...no.

no no no no no

I know where that's going.

You know what? Having someone who can see and feel you when they're hours and hours away is REALLY....

....

....

....really....

frusterating.

Don't ever try it, okay?

I just...I can't get that mental image out of my head. The one of me hugging Mike, and Mike crying into my shoulder, and that...electric feeling there is when we touch. Like two live wires being connected. And John just...standing there next to the car in the distance.

Would he ever understand? Can he ever understand? Should he ever understand?

I want John to come back. I feel like he's fading into the background. We're not...on the same level anymore.

When I left school I was shaking, and sobbing. I felt like my heart was being ripped straight out of my chest. It was like I couldn't even function THINKING about leaving John's side. His support, his love, his patience, his hugs, his eyes, his breath....everything was mine. When he breathed, he breathed strength into me. His heartbeats kept the blood pumping through my veins. When I buried my head in his shoulders, my thoughts stablized. I couldn't imagine leaving him. I knew it would be like running on low battery trying to live far away from him, and for the first few days it was. But now....now, we barely talk. He's constantly "busy." And all I can do is sit here at my house, alone, the tragedies of my family muffled into the background, with that image of seeing Mike running through my head. It's like I am physically here, but every move I make is no longer dicated by my thoughts and mind. I see everything around me but it is all so dim and distant. I don't know where my mind is.

Some moments it's on the bus. There's rain on the bus windows. It's dark outside. I'm pulling up to the Easton station where John is waiting for me. I walk down the steps just like I do every other time. I walk out onto the sidewalk and I look around. John's standing there, waiting for me to come over. I walk over calmly, I say hey, he askes me where my bags are and I say on the bus. We walk over together, get my bags, and he luggs them to the car for me. We get in, sit down, and I ask when I can have my hello hug. He huggs me, briefly, awkwardly - sometimes he kisses me - and we drive back to his house, quietly, because we talked about everything on the phone durring my long ride down.

Other moments I'm in the car, riding to see Mike. Oh God, my heart is about to explode, through my eyes I think. I feel what John's feeling. That feeling that comes with saying goodbye. That feeling of forcing yourself to move forward when all you want to do is run back. I know how he must feel driving me to where I will leave him. But at the same time, I feel Mike. I feel him sitting in Torry's car on the way home from work, looking out the window wondering if he could drive any slower. I can see him walking in circles around his little room nervously awaiting my arrival.

Then it switches to that sceen I keep playing over, and over in my head.

Will John cry after he leaves? Will he almost miss a red light because his tears are bluring his vision.

Why is Mike happy to see me come, and John only sad to see me go?

And my thoughts end there.

I don't want another fucking book.

That's all I've ever done for myself. Anytime I didn't know something, I went to books. Anytime I didn't understand something, I went to books. If I didn't understand one book, I went to another to try to figure it out. I read to have fun, I read to keep myself occupied, I read to learn, I read to get away...

I tought myself through highschool by reading books. No teachers but books.

Now I'm a SOPHMORE in COLLEGE. People complain when professors teach off book but you know what? I LIKE it. It bugs the fuck out of me when professors stand there and read out of the book. It makes me ask why I'm paying for this when I could just read the book myself.

Because of books, I can't speak my mind, I can barely speak at all....

Because of that, I have a hard time making friends.

Because of books, all I know how to do is write.

Because of books, I can't take tests.

Because I never had to take tests in high school. How can I give myself a test?

I get stressed, I panic, my head foggs over, everything I know I temporarily loose.

I could get help...yeah, I could get special permission to take tests outside the classroom, etc. But oh. I can't just TELL them this happens. I have to go to a psychologist.

I tell my parents this and what do they do?

THEY GIVE ME A BOOK.

*smashes keyboard*

I haven't lost myself in a long time

I never tried to care when i wanted to

I just want to be part of something

I just want to be real like you

Not that I need to write anymore this week, but there's something that has been bothering me.

Sometimes I feel like John doesn't, I don't know, put as much into this relationship as I do. I mean, I guess that's not quite the right wording. He does put a lot into to it...a lot of money, mostly. And a fair enough amount of time, but I keep thinking about all the things I've had to go through for him...because of him...

Now that we're at school, things aren't quite how we had hopped them to be. But for some different reasons. He expected to come here, make a ton of friends, join the rugby team, be a great athlete, do great in Bio...etc.

I came here expecting to grow in my faith, make a few close friends, do well academically, and most importantly, be able to spend lots, and lots, of time with the person I love the most in this world.

Well, John may have failed in Bio, and he may not have made a hundred friends, but he's still a part of a team. Even if they're not always the nicest to him...at least he's a part of something.

Me, I haven't made a single "close" friend here, I'm...passing...but not with the flying colors every freshman hopes to have. I'm a part of nothing. No sports teams, no clubs, no households, nothing. My roommate hardly talks to me, I watch movies by myself, I study by myself, half the time I eat by myself, I DJ by myself, I watch Rugby by myself...and am I the only one here who LIKES rap and hard rock? I'm not even a part of my family anymore...

Now the rugby team is planing a trip to Ireland for Spring Break next year.
Today, when I was cleaning in the Athletic Offices I saw a poster advertising the trip, and I admit, I was frantically blinking back tears. When I saw it, I felt like something cold and hard hit me in the chest.

He's leaving again.

I know it's a year away, but you guys have no idea what I went through last time he went to Ireland. And that was with his family...this time will be with his friends.

I froze. I completely shut down when he was gone. I wanted to cut every inch of my flesh off. I couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't think. I couldn't eat...I couldn't sleep...I had nightmares...I couldn't breathe most of the ten days he was gone.

Then, when he finally came home, I was so locked up I still couldn't talk. It was like I had forgotten. My brain was frozen; I couldn't think of what to say, and even if I had, my facial muscles wouldn't have let me formed the words.

He almost broke up with me after that trip...because of how I was. And I couldn't explain to him why I was being the way I was. All I know is one night, I literally felt the life being drained out of my body. I was going to die. And that's not being dramatic...I don't know why, or how, that worked, but I just knew I was going to. I began to lose my sight and my hearing, my whole body felt weak and numb. Everything, that is, except my heart, which was on fire.

So now I wonder, has he felt that way about me?

I know we both went through a lot last summer, I put him through a lot...we put each other trough a lot. But would he do that volunteerly? If I had a chance to hang out with a group of friends, would he give up our special movie night and let me go?
Would he give up a badly needed day of studying just to support me in a performance or competition?

He wouldn't even come home with me to help me take care of my sisters....

I am in desperate need of a long rant.

Have I mentioned that I hate people? Yes, I find them fascinating, but why do they all have to be pricks? Everything is about them. Everyone has a selfish motivation behind everything they do.

I dreamed a half conscious dream last night as I was still falling asleep that I told off Kyle O'Day from the rugby team...finally. I just yelled and yelled and yelled right in his face about how everyone here pretends to be so good and holy and how the sports program claims to be superior because faith bonds the teams and respect and dignity is fostered in all the players and how it's all such bull shit. I asked him how people could bring themselves to play on a team "based" on those standard when all they want to do is exclude people, make fun of people, single people out, and do anything BUT encourage and applaud good efforts. I yelled about how people like him disgusted me and how it was wrong how he, and everyone else at this school, take the people that are a little different (and often at least one cut above them) like John (and me) and think it's FUNNY or even okay to single them out and treat them like SHIT - just because they're not them.

The whole time I was telling myself in my head to stay on topic or they were going to laugh at me for being an agnsty teenager who was pissed about things irrelevant to what I was actually "bitching" about.

I gathered quite a good crowed in my dream, everyone stopped playing so they could hear what was going on. I saw them all start giving John looks like they wanted him to stop me, but he just stood there and shrugged.

So now, my question today, as seen on my facebook is, "why do people you've just met stop talking to you after a few months? it's like, "what, I couldn't get to know you and be your friend FAST ENOUGH for you? So now you're just giving up?" wtf people. Maybe if YOU tried a little harder people would respond more...quickly?"

I thought of this as I was surfing around my home page and I saw someone's name whom I met here last semester. I thought he was a cool guy. He was friendly and we talked a lot before and after classes. Now this semester?
Nothing.
He doesn't even acknowledge me when I wave at him. And it's like this with basically everyone I've met here so far.
What the HELL did I do? Why does EVERYONE look at me like I have three heads? And if that's not bad enough, I have to watch people treat John the same way. Which in a way is worse. Because the way I see it is, I can take shit from people. It hurts, but I can deal. But I can't watch other people treat the people I care about in the same way. I can't stand up for myself, but I'd as soon shoot someone for a friend as I would let it go for myself.
When I am with John in the caf and I see a table of rugby players distinctly turn away when he gets near, or actually ignore him when he tries to say hi, I can't make up my mind if I just want to drop my food and start sobbing or if I want to go over there and punch them all in the head more.

Again, I ask: WHAT DID WE DO?

Before falling asleep last night I was thinking about how people used to say I was "such a nice girl." I've changed so much...really I have. So much so that I wonder why exactly they used to call me that? Was it because I was polite? Because I didn't cuss? Because I was quiet and always did what I was told?
That's not me anymore. Since I've been here, I've changed. I've become stronger. Maybe not necessarily in a good way though. More in the way of I'm so sick and tired of SHIT. Everything that comes at me is bull shit. Barely anything goes right for me anymore...and that 100 I get on a paper just isn't enough to outweigh the way people treat me - or don't treat me - here. The crap I put up with. The internal struggle I'm desperately trying not to face about everything that's going on at home; my relationship with my family, etc.
On the outside I act "stronger." I find myself doing things I wouldn't usually do. I'm braver. I vandalize, I risk drinking underage, I swear every other word, I blare my disgusting rap, I talk shit about people, I don't always go to church, I don't pray...And I have perfectly good reasons for all of them. Especially the things pertaining to religion. (Why would I buy into that bullshit? If it makes people the way my mom is, or the so called "Christians" here, why would I intentionally put myself through that? I want to be a good person....really I do. But my view of "good" is so warped and distorted right now, I have so much to sort out...and No. Praying is not going to help me figure my shit out. I tried. It only makes it worse.)
But at the same time, I feel more vulnerable. When someone IS nice to me, I feel like there has to be an ulterior motive to their actions. Sometimes I get mad at everyone around me for not giving me a chance, but the truth is, I'm scared to give myself the chance to get to know people. I like to pretend I'm all tough, but really, I am pathetic. I am that girl everyone looks at and says "wow, what a sheltered freak. she has no social skills."
But is it my fault?
I didn't chose this.
I tried taking drugs.
I considered going to counseling (...I still am). But how do I know I can trust the counselor?
When it comes down to it, my REAL motto in life is "Don't trust anyone but yourself, and even then, be careful."

Oh, what am I do do?

Is it possible for me to even start a post without "Life" being at least in the first sentence if not the first word? I'm tired of making generalizations about how "horrible" life is. Everything is such a drag and I hate it. I just want to be happy. How about some good news for once? Or something to look forward to?

You know what's really hard? Being brave. Having to be brave, forcing yourself not to cry in front of teachers when there's this huge lump in your throat. It's like "Either I don't talk and don't cry, or I start sobbing the second I open my mouth."

That lump fricking hurts too.

I guess I just need a good long rant...I'm not going to do it here though, because crying in a computer lab is totally....well, you know.

Someone should call me....

Today, there is going to be a series of "Today," posts on facebook. FML.

It's always nice to start your day out a half hour earlier than you needed t0 after getting to bed 2 hours later than you intended.