I'm currently listening to 3 songs on loop:

Can't Stand It - NeverShoutNever!

Baby, I love you
I never want to let you go
The more I think about,
The more I want to let you know…
That everything you do,
Is super duper cute
And I can’t stand it

Hitch sings that all the time and it's stuck in my head most of the time! GARAH! haha

Pork and Beens - Weezer

I'mma do the things that I wanna do
I ain't got a thing to prove to you
I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if I make a scene
I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like
I'm fine and dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and I'm tickled pink
I don't give a hoot about what you think

This song is basically my theme song right now, so it's no surprise it popped into my head today when my mom was trying to pick a fight with me about my bra and how I wear ones that are "too small..." These are the same bra's that I've been wearing all year, so if she means "skimpy" rather than "small" I don't know why she didn't take this up with me before I left for school. Huh.

Do Better - Say Anything

Your life is always the post of something else
Where's the present?
The way that you present yourself
And it's disgusting how little that you try
The existential equivalent of pink eye

Drink alone and watch TV
Your'e expecting harmonies
To tap your tune with silver spoons
The anthem of impending doom

You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world

I don't think it would be good for me to explain this one.

Russian Roulett is not the same without a gun...It's worse.

I am so fucking fucked. I can't win for loosing I swear. I don't even think I should be writing right now, I'm tired. And when I'm tired, I don't think clearly.

John let me talk to him...I can't even begin to explain the feeling the surged through me when he could say whatever I wanted. I did the best I could to fit everything in but, I just don't think it was enough? But it's all I have. I want to be honest, I want to be open, I don't want to feel I have to hide anything, but at the same time, I feel like the more honest I am, the further away I become to where I want to be. I want him to know that everything I said in that message was true, and that it hardly even touched how deeply I feel that...

I was just reading his blog and on it there was a post from last summer where he said he wanted to break up with me but he couldn't give up on me. That just...it just blew my mind. John is such a fantastic guy, I really believe that. I wish I had known before that he felt...no. No. I'm doing it again.

On a similar note. I'm retarded. I do the stupidest things. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. No, really. Anytime I should say something, I don't. And if I shouldn't say something...well...you can pretty much count on me to say it. I just want to smash my head into a brick wall right now.

I need to stop writing because I really feel like I'm going to, once again, say something I shouldn't.

But John, if you're reading this, which I really...didn't think anyone did anymore...What I said in that message was all true. And like I said, it's all I have to offer.

I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas plays

Garret: He has all the cards, Anne. YOU want him back. He won't recipricate until he feels HE wants you back. Then you can make any arrangement you want.

Me: Damn poker.

Garret: Laugh out loud. Damn poker indeed. But you know he wants you back, so you can call his bluff and try to press him off his cards. Most likely he'll just fold if you're too agressive...the play is to wait. Lure him into a sense of security. Have him bet and then instantly call. At least that's how I'd play it. Another popular play is to wait till he bets, then raise him. Therefore 'calling' his bluff. Depending on how good he thinks he is, he might call you or raise you. And hang out with you, or whatever. But if he knows he is beat, he might fold, so you kinda gotta know your man.

Me: Auuuuuuuuugh. Lady GaGa's version of poker is sooooo much easier. *pout*

Me: That was a joke, I don't want to play her kind of poker. I just want him as a friend.

Garret: Anne. It's all the same game. Just gotta remove the sex for friends.

Haha <3

Life is insane right now.

There are so many things I want to say, and explain, and get out but I'm tired and I got distracted watching a video on youtube or whatever and I lost my train of thought.

I'm a new person. I like who I am now. Fuck, I LOVE who I am now. I'm awesome. :D I'm not perfect, but now I'm okay with that and I don't beat myself up over it. I just try to be the best I can be.

I know no one reads this anymore so sometime soon I want to publicly post a statement about my breakup. I just have to figure out the most appropriate way to do so.

I want to tell everyone that I don't want them to feel like they have to take sides. I still feel like John is a terrific guy and has the potential to be a great friend. Just because things didn't work out between us, and he wasn't someone who was good for me (at least in a relationship) doesn't mean anyone should hate him or harbor bad feelings about him. By saying this I am hoping to also pull people from the otherside who have sided against me. I know this is going to be an almost impossible task because of the way John feels about the whole situaion, but I feel like I should say once, for everyone to know. I did not cheat on John. And Yes, I did love him very very much at one point in time. Actually I did so for a very extended period of time. I still care about him dearly and I wish we could still be friends, but that isn't up to me anymore. I have done everything I can to refute his accuisations and prove myself innocent of his convictions but when the truth is the truth, and someone wont believe it, what else can you do?

John, you will always hold a very very special place in my heart. Part of me will always still love you, even if we can't spend forever together.

Please forgive me for anything I have done that has hurt you, and know it was never intentional.

--

In relateld news, I did meet a guy. His name is Garret. Yeah, he's 23 years old but we get along. He's a great guy, though some people may think he's crazy, I believe that (to quote the movie Peaceful Warrior) "Sometimes you have to lose your mind before you come to your senses." He has a unique view of the world, life, and people that I find facinating. I don't want to go on and on with a list of his qualities but there is something different between us then there was between John and I....there's nothing.

There are no fears, no insecurities, no hurt, no brokeness....

I don't know how to explain it, but getting to know him and allowing him to get to know me has transformed me. This isn't a relationship which allows me to say "I'm so happy when I'm with him." This relationship has helped me say "I can be anything I want to be with or without him." It's weird to be with someone I don't NEED. Honestly? I could drop Garret like a hot pototo at any time and be "okay."

While I was figuring out how to explain this relationship I had a conversation with a friend on facebook, here's what came out of it:

"He lets me do what I want, he never tells me I can or can't do anything. That sounds weird...We're together because we WANT to be together...If I WANTED to go make out with another guy, Garret wouldn't say "you can't do that." however...if I did, that would probably make him not WANT to be with me anymore...so there are consequences but the way we see it, we should both be able to do whatever we think is best for oursleves and do whatever is going to make us happy. since we don't NEED eachother...there's no pressure to make certain decisions."

I know most people probably will still not understand this, but it's a good feeling. And for now, I am happy having the freedom to do what I want whether that be dace around the kitchen to Owl City and Jason Derullo with my boyfriend while making pancakes or riding solo for a bit.

I am kind of in a strange trance right now.

A few hours ago I had a conversation with Mike that just, I don't know, blew my mind.

Lately I have been trying to orchestrate a trip to see him via John and Yorrick. My plan is, to take a bus down to see John for a few days, have him drive me up to see Mike and then have Yorrick help me get home, basically. Of course, I am super excited to see John and ACTUALLY meet Yorrick. :D

But anyway, today I told Mike I might be able to come see him in two weeks. Somewhere in the conversation he said he might cry.

I just...

...No one's ever cried when they saw me before.

I just have such mixed emotions right now. Like, on one hand, I really want to see John. I miss him, really. But...it's been so much longer since I've seen Mike.

And the past few days. Ugh. I'm sorry, words just....they don't have the capacity to describe my relationship with Mike. Ever. lol It's just so...insense. Which again, doesn't adequately describe it alone.

But anyway. How am I going to be when I have to say goodbye to John for who knows how long and say hello to Mike at the same time? How is John going to feel when I race off happily to Mike? How is Mike going to feel when he sees me kiss John goodbye? What if I race through my time with John because I'm anxious to see Mike and regret it late?

Part of me wants to just focus on how excited I am to see Yorrick in order to those thoughts out.

But I can't just do that...

Who am I more excited to see?

WHY (*slams fingers on keys*). WHY is it that everytime my relationship with John get's...weird...and distant....no. I can't...no.

no no no no no

I know where that's going.

You know what? Having someone who can see and feel you when they're hours and hours away is REALLY....

....

....

....really....

frusterating.

Don't ever try it, okay?

I just...I can't get that mental image out of my head. The one of me hugging Mike, and Mike crying into my shoulder, and that...electric feeling there is when we touch. Like two live wires being connected. And John just...standing there next to the car in the distance.

Would he ever understand? Can he ever understand? Should he ever understand?

I want John to come back. I feel like he's fading into the background. We're not...on the same level anymore.

When I left school I was shaking, and sobbing. I felt like my heart was being ripped straight out of my chest. It was like I couldn't even function THINKING about leaving John's side. His support, his love, his patience, his hugs, his eyes, his breath....everything was mine. When he breathed, he breathed strength into me. His heartbeats kept the blood pumping through my veins. When I buried my head in his shoulders, my thoughts stablized. I couldn't imagine leaving him. I knew it would be like running on low battery trying to live far away from him, and for the first few days it was. But now....now, we barely talk. He's constantly "busy." And all I can do is sit here at my house, alone, the tragedies of my family muffled into the background, with that image of seeing Mike running through my head. It's like I am physically here, but every move I make is no longer dicated by my thoughts and mind. I see everything around me but it is all so dim and distant. I don't know where my mind is.

Some moments it's on the bus. There's rain on the bus windows. It's dark outside. I'm pulling up to the Easton station where John is waiting for me. I walk down the steps just like I do every other time. I walk out onto the sidewalk and I look around. John's standing there, waiting for me to come over. I walk over calmly, I say hey, he askes me where my bags are and I say on the bus. We walk over together, get my bags, and he luggs them to the car for me. We get in, sit down, and I ask when I can have my hello hug. He huggs me, briefly, awkwardly - sometimes he kisses me - and we drive back to his house, quietly, because we talked about everything on the phone durring my long ride down.

Other moments I'm in the car, riding to see Mike. Oh God, my heart is about to explode, through my eyes I think. I feel what John's feeling. That feeling that comes with saying goodbye. That feeling of forcing yourself to move forward when all you want to do is run back. I know how he must feel driving me to where I will leave him. But at the same time, I feel Mike. I feel him sitting in Torry's car on the way home from work, looking out the window wondering if he could drive any slower. I can see him walking in circles around his little room nervously awaiting my arrival.

Then it switches to that sceen I keep playing over, and over in my head.

Will John cry after he leaves? Will he almost miss a red light because his tears are bluring his vision.

Why is Mike happy to see me come, and John only sad to see me go?

And my thoughts end there.

I don't want another fucking book.

That's all I've ever done for myself. Anytime I didn't know something, I went to books. Anytime I didn't understand something, I went to books. If I didn't understand one book, I went to another to try to figure it out. I read to have fun, I read to keep myself occupied, I read to learn, I read to get away...

I tought myself through highschool by reading books. No teachers but books.

Now I'm a SOPHMORE in COLLEGE. People complain when professors teach off book but you know what? I LIKE it. It bugs the fuck out of me when professors stand there and read out of the book. It makes me ask why I'm paying for this when I could just read the book myself.

Because of books, I can't speak my mind, I can barely speak at all....

Because of that, I have a hard time making friends.

Because of books, all I know how to do is write.

Because of books, I can't take tests.

Because I never had to take tests in high school. How can I give myself a test?

I get stressed, I panic, my head foggs over, everything I know I temporarily loose.

I could get help...yeah, I could get special permission to take tests outside the classroom, etc. But oh. I can't just TELL them this happens. I have to go to a psychologist.

I tell my parents this and what do they do?

THEY GIVE ME A BOOK.

*smashes keyboard*

I haven't lost myself in a long time

I never tried to care when i wanted to

I just want to be part of something

I just want to be real like you