So I wanted to write up a new post real quick before my battery dies.

I stayed up until...well, now, starting John's birthday cake! It's 4 layers. And I only had one pan. o.o

So anyway, I'm in the weirdest mood. I don't know how to explain it. Like there's something inside me that just wants to explode. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing at this point. I think it could go either way.

Lately I've been feeling terrible and vulnerable, etc. I miss being able to curl up with John when I feel like that and just feeling the strength and protection of his arms rapped tightly around me, and feeling the steady rhythm of his breath on my neck and knowing everything really isn't as shaky and unstable as I feel they are.

This place sucks for things like that.

But what can you do, eh?

Baking lightened my mood considerably but now I think I'm in zombe mode. Maybe that's what the problem is. Right now I feel nothing. My hands even feel like they're going numb. And after everything I've felt this week...feeling nothing would feel...weird. Ironically.

Well I must go. I can't decide if I should try to sleep or if I should let Beowulf lull my into a boredom so great that my brain just shuts down.

Nah, it's not actually that bad, but reading has a way of doing that to me. XD

Yawn.

Oh. I guess that's my answer.

G'night all.

Ten Things

TEN different things you want to say to ten different people
10. I love you

9. Thank you for my package!

8. I just don't get it.

7. You're a horrible teacher and you make me want to punch a brick wall.

6. I love you, I miss you.

5. Can you please explain our assignment to me?

4. Can I borrow your notes?

3. Lighten up.

2. You're an asshole.

1. YOU MAKE ME SO STRESSED OUT.

NINE things about yourself.
9. My psychology is like a sentence that doesn't make sense. Only each individual letter or word makes sense as you come upon it.
8. I live to help people. I would take a complete stranger off the street and give them a hug if they looked depressed if my own fear didn't get in the way.
7. I stress myself out, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally.
6. I get worked up over the little things and let the big things go very easily.
5. People don't understand how I can love one person so much and how I can know that he's the one I will spend the rest of my life he. They don't believe it's possible.
4. I don't trust people easily at all, but once I do trust you, it takes a LOT to break that trust. The more I trusted you in the first place, the harder it is to break that trust.
3. I get feelings about people and I am only very very rarely wrong. I can pick someone out of a crowd of strangers and know that they will play a big roll in my future life. (A lot of people don't understand this either and they scold me for "judging a book by its cover.")
2. I can feel other people's emotions like they're my own. Sometimes I can feel what they're feeling physically as well, but not as often.
1. I don't know how to be sad then mad. Mad always comes first, and sometimes sad never comes at all.

EIGHT ways to win your heart.
8. Be unique. If I can walk out on the street and pick out four of you, I'm not going to give you the time of day.

7. Be compassionate. Care about others as much as I do. Or at least, care about me as much as I care about other people.

6. Don't be afraid of hugs and other physically contact. Whether you be a girl or a guy, know that I'm a very physical person and I won't feel like we're actually friends until we hug mulitple times a day at least.

5. Have a sense of humor. If you can't crack jokes, at least know when a joke is funny.

4. Think my blond moments are adorable and not retarded. I'm the one that thinks they're retarded, if you agree with me you're going to make me feel like shit and no one wants friends who make them feel like shit.

3. Don't be afraid to say I love you.

2. Have at least as big of a heart as you do a head. If you're head's not that big, I'll still love you if you have a big heart.

1. Be patient with me and don't base our friendship on conditions. I take a lot of patience and unconditional support/love.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot.
7. The week seems to go by so fast here.

6. I really need to clean my room.

5. Why am I so forgetful?!

4. How can someone be as mentally retarded as me?

3. I miss NY autumns.

2. I need chapstick.

1. I wish I had more money.

SIX things you do before you fall asleep.
6. Grab beer, grab rear, shave beard. Haha jk. O_o Um Brush my teeth

5. Clean retainer.

4. Wash face

3. Put in retainer

2. Take out contacts

1. Make mental notes of everything I have to do the next day.

FIVE people who mean a lot at the moment.
5. John

4. Mike

3. Mom

2. Becca

1. Yorrick

FOUR things you're wearing right now.
4. Jeans

3. bra

2. underwear

1. Oh yeah, and a shirt. (muaha)

THREE songs that you listen to often.
3. 21 Guns

2. I'm On A Boat

1. Thug Story

TWO things you want to do before you die.
2. Get married

1. Have a baby.

ONE confession.
1. I really not the good Catholic girl a lot of people think I am. I struggle with it every. single. day. of my life.

I kind of just want to rant for a moment about my Theology teacher.

He's horrible. Absolutely dreadful.

The entire class is like an hour and a half homily. There is no student/teacher interaction, he empasizes all the wrong words in his sentences, when he wants to reiterate something he says it twice; once the way the book says it, and once in a different language, every time he triest to read from a text he never reads what's acutally there; he paraphrases and expects us to follow along, he is absolutely obsessed with a man called Msgr. Luigi Giussani and litterally worships the ground he walked on (which incidentally probably wasn't much more than the floor of his study), he has very little knowledge of ancient philosophers, he gives us words in Greek and Latin and never gives us the definitions, he tells us he wants us to memorize things and then talks way to fast for us to possibly be able to write them down, he speaks like he thinks he's a poet (though a very lousy one he is. in other words, his speach is extrememly formal even though he's not reading anything), he goes on the longest tangents and by the time he gets back to the original subject you've forgotten what it was, he doesn't assign pages to read and just expects you to be caught up to where he is by the next class...

I really should go do spanish. >.>

I figured out why I get so mad every time the topic of Rugby comes up, or every time something makes me think about Rugby.

It's because I'm jealous. Jealous that John has somewhere he belongs and I don't.

I honestly thought that I had gotten over the stage where I confused hurt or sadness with anger, but I guess I was wrong.

John told me that I need to tap into those sad feelings before they become anger because when the sadness is ignored, it builds up and then finally explodes in the form of anger, but I just...can't. I guess I've been surpressing sad feelings for so many years I don't even notice them anymore until it's too late.

WEEEEEEEEEOOOOOO

Coffeecoffeecoffee.

Or in this case, monstermonstermonster!

I just asked my roomate if coffee has two Es in it while looking at my coffee pot box that says "MR. COFFEE" on it. Yes, very astute of me, I know.

So last night was pretty damn awesome.

For the first time since I've been here I think I felt in my element.

Oh I just remembered what I was going to post on Becca's blog. What happened when Jamie saw you, dear?

Anyway. Yesterday was Joe's birthday so John and I took him to Dairy Queen for icecream. On our way out, we met up with Joey (Yes, this will be very confusing for you, I'm sure.) and he came along. (Joey incidentally is John's roomate.) So we went to Dairy Queen and were about to order some icecream when I was like "JOHN. THEY SELL ICE CREAM CAKES HERE." So we made Joe (the birthday boy) go and buy a lighter (cuz he can do that now) at the store across the plaza while we picked out a cake, had "Joey" (confusingly enough) written under the "Happy Birthday" that was already on it, and sturggled to force 18 candels into a frozen "block" (although it wasn't really a BLOCK as BLOCK implies it was square. It wasn't, it was round.) of icecream.

Then we sat down, the four of us, IN THE DAIRY QUEEN and ate the whole cake. (Okay, well, almost the whole cake.) Who would have thought Dairy Queen doesn't have plates? We all had to eat our quater of the cake as it came. :D

Then I was like, "Hey! Let's go to Wal-Mart!" and John was like "But it's 10:00, don't they close at 10?" And I was like, "Pshh. Wal-Mart is open 24 hours man!" So we went to Wal-Mart and got in trouble for playing with foam swords....and I got a cool hoodie in the men's department. (^.^) Anyway, we didn't even leave Wal-Mart until like 11:30. lol And I had an 8 AM class this morning which I still had to complete homework for = the 2 monsters this morning.

Anyway, to get back to being in my element (WOW I think I'm actually completely a thought here.) I was just...blaring music, hanging out with boys, shopping...just...being me, you know? It was pretty cool. I wish it could happen more often. I was really hoping I'd be able to have at least a little something with the Rugby team but I guess that's not going to happen. (Yes, it still stings. :[ )

Anyway, John just called and said he wants to go to lunch now so I think I'll zip down there for a bit.

<3

Beth

PS:

MMMMOOOOONNNNNSSSSSTERRRRRRR!!!