Pork And Beans

No one will get the appropriateness of the sexual connotations of that title...

I'm at my gradmother's house sitting on her computer because I'm watching my cousin's kid, Ian, who is sleeping behind me on the bed. He is sooooooo precious.

Here is a picture of him right now.



The main purpose of this post however, is to try to sort through everything that happened yesterday. I'm not even entirely sure I want to get into it, it's super long and complicated and confusing because my mom never makes sense about anything. lol You know, I think I'm just going to bullet point (EDIT: Bullets don't work on blogger?) the main points for myself with out explaining them because hell, barely anyone reads this anyway and it would be WAY to large of a task to try to put everything that happened down. Seriously, just yesterday alone could have been a week.

So where to start....

Lengthy conversation with Mike

Liz
Love
Confusion
Me
John
Trust
John and I
Letting go
Holding on
Free will
Choices
The choice to love as opposed to the obligation
Wanting vs. Needing
Fear
True love
The concept of "If you truly love someone you have to be able to let them go."
Tears
The choice to be free

Interview at Little Italy Pizza

Very Brief
20 hrs a week
Cashier
$7.50/hr with possible raises
6 Weeks
Make decision Friday

Long conversation with Mom but more like mom did all the talking (This is where things get bizarre! Idk where she comes up with most of this shit)

Sex
Virginity
Getting married when you're "used goods"
Being Catholic vs. Being a whore
Garret
"Pronography." (As she says it)
Masturbating or "Taking care of it himself" as she calls it (Soooo awkward, mom.)
"All men are animals."
Being genetically engineered to be a slut
John
Relationships
Virginity of the mouth (No, not oral sex, FRENCH KISSING!)
Shirt babies! (I guess sperm can travel for MILES all on their own! [?!])
Purity
Innocence
College loans
FUS
Moving out
Threats
Ultimatums

Long Conversation with Garret

My mom's perspective
My perspective
His perspective
Lots of laughing
"Hold on...hold...on...okay....WHAT?! No, ok....ok so she thinks....AHHH. WHAT?!"
Mind Explosions
"I'm offended that she thinks that about my girlfriend!"
"The (conversation) That-Must-Not-Be-Named" (<-- Marriage)
"Well, it's difficult because we're NOT having that conversation right now." (lol)
"...No...No...Put your mom on." (<-- Every other sentence that wasn't Bullet Pt. #5 lol)
Choices
Options
Breaking up
Bullshitting vs. Getting What You Want
Negotiating
Doing what *I* want to do
Making my own choices

Long conversation with Dad

Making choices
Making good choices
Making them on your own
Guidance
Wisdom of the Church
Wisdom of parents
Maternal/Paternal instinct
Respect
Trust
Garret
Power of Touch
Catholic University Vs. State School
No threats
No ultimatums
"The Slippery Slope"
Being "just friends" after having sex
Gaining trust/respect back
Using the tools given to me
Conversion
Making good choices (again)

Long conversation with Garret (Again)

Dad's perspective
Our relationship
His past relationships
His personal philosophies/things he's learned from past relationships
Why he believes what he believes
What I want
What he wants
What we want
What we like about each other
Why we're together
Happy things :)
Desperately still trying to avoid "The Conversation That Shall Not Be Named." lol
Things that need to be done

This was all because they are CONVINCED I'm having sex, which I'm not, unless that virginity of the mouth thing is real. Then I guess I'm NOT a virgin after all. :P :P

Silly parents...Too bad they would never believe me if I told them I am waiting until I get married to have sex (or "intercourse" as my mom so awkwardly calls it.)

I'm currently listening to 3 songs on loop:

Can't Stand It - NeverShoutNever!

Baby, I love you
I never want to let you go
The more I think about,
The more I want to let you know…
That everything you do,
Is super duper cute
And I can’t stand it

Hitch sings that all the time and it's stuck in my head most of the time! GARAH! haha

Pork and Beens - Weezer

I'mma do the things that I wanna do
I ain't got a thing to prove to you
I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if I make a scene
I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like
I'm fine and dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and I'm tickled pink
I don't give a hoot about what you think

This song is basically my theme song right now, so it's no surprise it popped into my head today when my mom was trying to pick a fight with me about my bra and how I wear ones that are "too small..." These are the same bra's that I've been wearing all year, so if she means "skimpy" rather than "small" I don't know why she didn't take this up with me before I left for school. Huh.

Do Better - Say Anything

Your life is always the post of something else
Where's the present?
The way that you present yourself
And it's disgusting how little that you try
The existential equivalent of pink eye

Drink alone and watch TV
Your'e expecting harmonies
To tap your tune with silver spoons
The anthem of impending doom

You could do better
You could do better
You could be the greatest man in the world

I don't think it would be good for me to explain this one.

Russian Roulett is not the same without a gun...It's worse.

I am so fucking fucked. I can't win for loosing I swear. I don't even think I should be writing right now, I'm tired. And when I'm tired, I don't think clearly.

John let me talk to him...I can't even begin to explain the feeling the surged through me when he could say whatever I wanted. I did the best I could to fit everything in but, I just don't think it was enough? But it's all I have. I want to be honest, I want to be open, I don't want to feel I have to hide anything, but at the same time, I feel like the more honest I am, the further away I become to where I want to be. I want him to know that everything I said in that message was true, and that it hardly even touched how deeply I feel that...

I was just reading his blog and on it there was a post from last summer where he said he wanted to break up with me but he couldn't give up on me. That just...it just blew my mind. John is such a fantastic guy, I really believe that. I wish I had known before that he felt...no. No. I'm doing it again.

On a similar note. I'm retarded. I do the stupidest things. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. No, really. Anytime I should say something, I don't. And if I shouldn't say something...well...you can pretty much count on me to say it. I just want to smash my head into a brick wall right now.

I need to stop writing because I really feel like I'm going to, once again, say something I shouldn't.

But John, if you're reading this, which I really...didn't think anyone did anymore...What I said in that message was all true. And like I said, it's all I have to offer.

I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas plays

Garret: He has all the cards, Anne. YOU want him back. He won't recipricate until he feels HE wants you back. Then you can make any arrangement you want.

Me: Damn poker.

Garret: Laugh out loud. Damn poker indeed. But you know he wants you back, so you can call his bluff and try to press him off his cards. Most likely he'll just fold if you're too agressive...the play is to wait. Lure him into a sense of security. Have him bet and then instantly call. At least that's how I'd play it. Another popular play is to wait till he bets, then raise him. Therefore 'calling' his bluff. Depending on how good he thinks he is, he might call you or raise you. And hang out with you, or whatever. But if he knows he is beat, he might fold, so you kinda gotta know your man.

Me: Auuuuuuuuugh. Lady GaGa's version of poker is sooooo much easier. *pout*

Me: That was a joke, I don't want to play her kind of poker. I just want him as a friend.

Garret: Anne. It's all the same game. Just gotta remove the sex for friends.

Haha <3

Life is insane right now.

There are so many things I want to say, and explain, and get out but I'm tired and I got distracted watching a video on youtube or whatever and I lost my train of thought.

I'm a new person. I like who I am now. Fuck, I LOVE who I am now. I'm awesome. :D I'm not perfect, but now I'm okay with that and I don't beat myself up over it. I just try to be the best I can be.

I know no one reads this anymore so sometime soon I want to publicly post a statement about my breakup. I just have to figure out the most appropriate way to do so.

I want to tell everyone that I don't want them to feel like they have to take sides. I still feel like John is a terrific guy and has the potential to be a great friend. Just because things didn't work out between us, and he wasn't someone who was good for me (at least in a relationship) doesn't mean anyone should hate him or harbor bad feelings about him. By saying this I am hoping to also pull people from the otherside who have sided against me. I know this is going to be an almost impossible task because of the way John feels about the whole situaion, but I feel like I should say once, for everyone to know. I did not cheat on John. And Yes, I did love him very very much at one point in time. Actually I did so for a very extended period of time. I still care about him dearly and I wish we could still be friends, but that isn't up to me anymore. I have done everything I can to refute his accuisations and prove myself innocent of his convictions but when the truth is the truth, and someone wont believe it, what else can you do?

John, you will always hold a very very special place in my heart. Part of me will always still love you, even if we can't spend forever together.

Please forgive me for anything I have done that has hurt you, and know it was never intentional.

--

In relateld news, I did meet a guy. His name is Garret. Yeah, he's 23 years old but we get along. He's a great guy, though some people may think he's crazy, I believe that (to quote the movie Peaceful Warrior) "Sometimes you have to lose your mind before you come to your senses." He has a unique view of the world, life, and people that I find facinating. I don't want to go on and on with a list of his qualities but there is something different between us then there was between John and I....there's nothing.

There are no fears, no insecurities, no hurt, no brokeness....

I don't know how to explain it, but getting to know him and allowing him to get to know me has transformed me. This isn't a relationship which allows me to say "I'm so happy when I'm with him." This relationship has helped me say "I can be anything I want to be with or without him." It's weird to be with someone I don't NEED. Honestly? I could drop Garret like a hot pototo at any time and be "okay."

While I was figuring out how to explain this relationship I had a conversation with a friend on facebook, here's what came out of it:

"He lets me do what I want, he never tells me I can or can't do anything. That sounds weird...We're together because we WANT to be together...If I WANTED to go make out with another guy, Garret wouldn't say "you can't do that." however...if I did, that would probably make him not WANT to be with me anymore...so there are consequences but the way we see it, we should both be able to do whatever we think is best for oursleves and do whatever is going to make us happy. since we don't NEED eachother...there's no pressure to make certain decisions."

I know most people probably will still not understand this, but it's a good feeling. And for now, I am happy having the freedom to do what I want whether that be dace around the kitchen to Owl City and Jason Derullo with my boyfriend while making pancakes or riding solo for a bit.