Really random ramblings of a rather unstable mind

So I just need to get some stuff out.

First of all...I don't even know where to start. I'm not even going to try to go in order.

One of my best friends had sex with his girlfriend. People keep telling me it's not a big deal and it shouldn't affect our friendship at all but for some reason, I'm having a really hard time getting over it. He was the last of my BEST friends who hadn't done it. I just feel so...on my own now. It's hard to explain and I obviously am getting nowhere trying. It's just...I'm scared. When my best friend did it, he barely talked to me for months because he was so infatuated by the girl he was with at the time. They broke up and it nearly killed him. Then, the whole thing that ruined my friendship with Stephanie was her sleeping with her boyfriend. After that she totally changed. I mean like she did a complete 180. She used me, she used her other friends - just for more sex. And then she broke up with him because he said he loved her. That was NOT the girl I was best friends with.

Every time something like this happened, it was harder and harder for me because they were like my support group. They all decided they were going to "wait" and then just gave up. But every time they wanted to, I'd be there to support them and remind them of their decision. And vice versa. Then of course, bad stuff happened and I was glad I didn't give in when I wanted to even though it was uber difficult. Yorrick was my last friend who's life...who's relationship with me...hadn't been scarred by sex. Now I'm just scared. Scared for both of us.

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So Friday was TWLOHA day. That day always moves me so much. Some people were asking me what it was, I explained but I realized I had trouble remembering the exact story behind the organization. So I decided to look it up online. That's when I stumbled across their intern program. Honestly? I feel like I'm meant to do it. I don't know why, or how. Gosh, it's in Florida, takes 3 or 4 months and it's unpaid. How the heck is that going to work out? I don't know. But I feel like it's supposed to. It's one of those things where I know will and I just have to sit back and let it happen because I know it will work itself out. That's one really amazing thing about my life. Somethings are revealed to me a head of time. I used to worry my ass off about them and freak out and think "OMG HOW WILL I MAKE THIS HAPPEN?" and then I started to realize that I don't make it happen. These things that are "meant to be" just somehow happen. I don't know how.

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Speaking of that...or well, kind of speaking of that. I was going to go see Mike for Thanksgiving, right? Well, that didn't really work out. So I spent forever on the phone trying to convince him to come to my house instead but he was being a stubborn-ass about it because that's the way he is. So I told him to think about it and I would call him in a few days. Well he NEVER answers calls or texts and now there are no more tickets. Why? Why why why? What the HELL is wrong with me wanting to see Mike after like a fricking year, huh? This paragraph seems to completely contradict the last one. Wtf. I'm not even going to try to understand/explain this.

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So I feel like I'm kind of starting to find my few friends here. I know I'm not meant to have many, I could complain, but I shouldn't. It's just not...meant to be? Meh. There's goes that whole thing again. But at least I know my personality type. The Meyers-Briggs workshop really helped me with that. And it helped me realize that I'm not the kind of person who's going to make friends with everyone on campus, and most importantly it helped me realize that that's okay. Brian (a kid in my Spanish class) is really great. I have to be careful though, because even though my intentions are quite innocent I don't want to be stepping on any toes when his girlfriend comes next semester. I know how I would be if I were in her position. I also really like Zach...this kid from the rugby team. He's super weird but maybe that's why I like him. He's really easy to tease, but he takes it so well. lol John and I sit with him at dinner almost every day and tease him about his weird eating habits. (When I say he eats everything on his plate, I mean Everything. Chicken bones included?) But he's kind of a loner, you know? Maybe that's what makes me so comfortable around him. Because I don't feel like he's going to ditch me, or John for that matter, when someone else he knows comes along. That's what everyone else here does. (Except for Brian.) Like today, we saw a bunch of guys from the rugby team after mass and they were all standing around talking, John and I walked over to say hey they all...well, most of them, a few didn't, said hi to him, completely ignored me, and then made this closed circle to John and I. It didn't bother me too much, they aren't really my friends, but John just stood there. Watching. I hate it when he does that. It's like he's in denial. I can't imagine how much it must hurt him. It just makes me awkward. At times like that I just want to grab his hand and run far far away and tell him that no one else matters. Fuck everyone else. We have each other and we don't need anyone else. And then people have the audacity to say we're "attached at the hip" or we're "too codependent" like it's OUR fault they leave us no choice. I don't know, maybe if they CONSISTENTLY acted like friends we wouldn't feel the need to cling to each other? Bastards.

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This is a very long post.

Have I mentioned my grades kind of suck and I'm not actually possitive I'm going to pass this semester?

There, I said it.

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I was going to end but I felt the need to mention that I don't want to go home for winter break. I hate home. Thinking about going back to that psychotic hypocritical environment filled with screaming, yelling, fighting, and curfew makes me want to jump off a cliff.

I do miss Becca though.

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