My Conclusion

I just figured shit out.

I found the answer to why I had that fling with Colin last summer.

Why I tend to be flirtatious.

Why I like physical contact with guys.

Why John couldn't deal with that.

Why I couldn't deal with John not dealing with that.

Why I was constantly trying to prove myself to John...etc etc on that note.

Another reason why I had to break up with John.

Why I have a facebook.

Why I blog.

Why I drink.

They all have the same answer.



(Don't look too closely at that...I didn't feel like actually working it out.:P )


In other words... (?!) My whole life I have had the image of "perfect." I was the perfect baby with blue eyes and blonde hair in ringlets...

Then I was a Palmer.*

Then I was Catholic and not only Catholic but home schooled. That meant that not only I was a "solid Catholic" I was also uber intelligent.

*Then I was a Catholic Palmer which meant I had to be part of the only family in the entire expanse of the Palmer Family that didn't screw up.

Then I was the daughter of a gymnastics coach.

Then I was a gymnast.

Then I was the best gymnast.

etc

etc

etc

So all my life I have been held to this façade of perfection. It didn't really start to bug me until I got into high school and I realized that some things in life are challenging? And I may not ALWAYS come out on top, in fact, I may not always even succeed at all. So I struggled with that inferiority complex for four years.

When I graduated I was put on Citalopram which gave me a huge boost of confidance. Suddenly, I realized that I didn't have to give a fuck about being perfect and I could do whatever the hell I wanted. So I started fucking up on purpouse. Because I could.

And I've been doing that ever since.

Why did Colin happen? Because I shouldn't have done it. Because being good meant not doing it. Because I wanted attention. I wanted someone to see me fucking up and finally realize that I wasn't perfect. (Same reason for flirting and physical contact.) John had the honor of being that person...but then of course, I was ashamed. Because John was the only person I wanted to think I was perfect. Guess that plan back-fired. But at least it got me some attention. Secretly, I wanted to know if John would chase after me. He didn't. But you know what? If he had, I would have only been happy for as long as he was chasing. Then I would be bored again.

John couldn't deal with that because he didn't see it in this light. All he saw was me not being perfect when he thought I was. Because he saw it as me being a slut. As me not wanting to be with him anymore.

I couldn't deal with that because I was tired of trying to prove how good I was to everyone. I just wanted to fuck up and have that be okay. I was tired...17 years and I was frickin' tired.

But I did it anyway. Why? Because, like I said, John was the only one I wanted to think I was perfect. Becauses I had myself convinced that I was nothing without him. This area is still a little grey for me. That's why I had to break up with him. I don't know why the fuck I did it anyway, it didn't make sense. So I stopped.

Why do I have xanga and facebook? Because I feel the inherient need to PROVE to the world that not only am I not perfect, but I'm not a horrible person. So I throw my shit up on the internet for who-even-cares to read to prove a point. Sometimes I'm perfect, sometimes I'm a fuck up, and sometimes I'm in between. And that makes me NORMAL.

Why do I drink? Because a lot of people view it as a bad thing. Because that's one part of my life that I can "control." Or CHOOSE not to control, if you will.

That's where Minesweeper comes in. I figure this out about one thing, and it's like all the sudden it applies to a bunch of other "boxes" in my life. So I go through, figure out which ones they are, flag them, and then try to clean out the rest of my life. Then, when I'm ready, I'm going to hit that last box and all those mines are going to explode and disappear.

Someday, hopefully soon, I'm not going to feel the desire to facebook, or blog, or drink. Because I have nothing to prove. Because I'm not perfect, and I'm not not perfect: I'm me. And that's good enough for me. And that's all that matters.

Summertime

Sunday I went to Buttermilk Falls in Ithica, NY. It was incredibly beautiful. We got into the park for free but realized afterwards it was because swimming was closed. :(

But it was okay because we hike up the trail a little ways untill we found some smaller waterfalls and deep pools where some other people were swimming. Gosh I wish I had my camera because it was beautiful. I guess I will just have to settle for some pictures I pulled from the web.

Here is the main Falls (to the right is the trail we went up):



The area we swam in was a bit like this, but of course, this wasn't it. lol

At least I don't think....it's hard to tell with the time exposure and the water level being a higher in the photo than it was when we were there. It does look familiar though. Hm.




Full sized photos:

http://nysparks.state.ny.us/parks/images/f0443f00-b416-4741-b2d8-419d86d76b4a.jpg

http://3547.voxcdn.com/photos/11/63/189713_l.jpg

(A)pathetic way to be

I think the two things that are killing me the most right now are this:

1) I realized that I don't HAVE to care about every word every person says to me. And that I don't have to make everyone happy all the time. Thus, I'm having a difficult time caring about everything that is going on with my parents right now. It's like, look, I know I'm suppoed to go back to FUS and that's that. But they seem to have to drag all this drama and skelletons out of the closet into this and I just...well, I don't give a fuck. Which of course, only makes things worse so I am trying, really I am. But it's just...difficult.

"I'mma do the things that I wanna do..." etc.

2) It was my parents' own fault that I "slipped between the cracks" last year. It was their hypocrasy that pushed me away from the faith. But of course, they don't see that. To them, it's all about me and my poor life choices due to laziness and uncontrolled sexual urges. DUH. Never mind that out of their (particularly my mom) mouth they were preaching patients, self-control, respect, family unity, and Christian love, etc. etc., and out of their (her) fists they were preaching alcholizm, uncontrolled rage, physical AND mental abuse, etc. etc...

"Save your sympathy, who'd you think you're fooling? Everything is dead; now you welcome me to a town called hypocracy."

To blog or not to blog

The past few days I have been debating on whether or not I want this blog to be a place where I talk about my life, or a place where I talk about my philosophies on life. I guess my conclusion is to take it one post at a time.

This morning I laid down on the couch for roughly 3 minutes and when I sat up I couldn't move my neck.

I got heat rash Monday all over my torso. God that stuff is painful. My face also broke out due to some OFF I got on my face and my legs are covered in rashes due to sunscreen and chlorine. Summer is NOT my season. *bummed look*

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about all sorts of things in life. Particularly because I'm stuck between two opposing views of life as presented by my parents and Garret. I don't want to say that they are constantly being pushed at me because Garret doesn't push his thoughts on me. I openly and willingly listen to them. My parents do push, but I willingly listen to them too. However, I do tend to agree almost 100% with what Garret says, and I have for a really long time. Finally I have found someone who thinks like me.

But at the same time, I realize that I'm not done growing, and my beliefs may still change. Probably not drastically, but I really am trying to keep an open mind.

My mom and I had a long talk the other night about, well, a lot of things. One of them being school in the fall. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I was reflecting on why I decided to go to FUS in the first place. At first, I wanted to go because I really liked the school, I was excited to go and grow in my faith at a Catholic school, but most importantly, they were the only Catholic school of my desired size that had my major (The only other Catholic College that had it was John Paul the Great but I was looking for a student body a little larger that...well, 35. [No, not hundred.]) But slowly my mind turned away from my original basis for my decision and I allowed my relationship to reinforce my decision until it got to the point that that was the only reason why I was going there. When I got there, I realized I hated the school. But when I look back now, I'm not convinced it wasn't because I was putting so much into one particular relationship that I didn't have the time/energy left to put into really experiencing the school. When I got home and John and I broke up, I was convinced I never wanted to go back there again. I started looking for other schools immediately. But as I said before, I'm really trying to keep my heart and mind open these days and as time progressed I felt myself being called back to FUS. When we were talking the other night my mom asked me why I wanted to go back. I didn't have an answer. Honestly? I don't want to go back, but I feel like I'm supposed to, so in that way, I do want to. Even thought I despised it there last year, I'm very excited to find out why I'm supposed to be there. It's like God is waving a present in my face and saying, "Come here and I'll let you see what's inside!!"

It feels so weird to say that. Last year I closed my heart so tightly I wouldn't have been caught dead saying something like that. I was convinced God was out of the picture. I could go on and on about what I believed but honestly, it's not worth it. Essentially, I believed God didn't give a fuck about what we did. I'm still not really sure what changed, but I have a sneaky feeling that my break up with John and my relationship with Garret (particularly before we started dating) opened my heart up so much that God was able to just stop by one day and say "Hey, remember me?" And slowly but surely I've once again began to feel His tug on my heart in certain directions. He reminded me of my original reasons for going to FUS and how far away I got from them. I really feel like he's calling me back to try again, like He's giving me a second chance. I don't know how long He'll keep me there, maybe only for a semester, maybe for another 3 years. But I'm taking one semester at a time, and I really feel like there's something I am supposed to do, or learn there this upcoming semester.

Granted, there are still a lot of things about Catholicism that bug me; that I'm not entirely sure I believe in. In fact, some of them I know for certain that I don't believe in. But I feel I need to give it another shot before I give up on it entirely. I've already given the other extreme a shot, right?

My mom has always told me I can't pick and choose what I believe based on what is convenient in my life. But I don't feel I am.

What is absolute truth? And is any religion going to have it? It would mean that that religion is PERFECT, and I really don't believe that that is possible. There is corruption and outrageous teachings even in the Catholic church. So just because I choose not to attend Latin Mass, or follow the teachings of one particular saint, does that mean I am customizing my religion? No, it means I am testing teachings and beliefs against logic, reason, and real world application. Sure, there are some things that can't be explained, but for the things that can, I say they better damn well make sense. This logic can be applied to all the teachings of the church. Look, if it doesn't make sense that contemplating suicide is a mortal sin, I'm not going to believe it. If I don't find solid proof that we are SUPPOSED to go to confession in order to get to heaven, I'm not going to go.

I wish I could work through this thought process more, but Ian is awake now and my duty calls. ;)

Our friends will all make fun of us

...and we'll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way.

The sad thing is, no one would understand.

I never thought that it'd be so simple but
I found a way, I found a way
I always thought that it'd be too crazy but
I found a way, I found a way
If you open up your mind
See what's inside
It's gonna take some time to realize
But if you look inside, I'm sure you'll find
Over your shoulder you know that I told you
I'll always be pickin' you up when you're down
So just turn around
Now that I know that anything's possible
I found a way, I found a way
No one can break what is so unbreakable
I found a way, I found a way
No one cares
What you give
You know you gotta live like you wanna live
When it's time
To be free
You know you gotta be what you wanna be

Pork And Beans

No one will get the appropriateness of the sexual connotations of that title...

I'm at my gradmother's house sitting on her computer because I'm watching my cousin's kid, Ian, who is sleeping behind me on the bed. He is sooooooo precious.

Here is a picture of him right now.



The main purpose of this post however, is to try to sort through everything that happened yesterday. I'm not even entirely sure I want to get into it, it's super long and complicated and confusing because my mom never makes sense about anything. lol You know, I think I'm just going to bullet point (EDIT: Bullets don't work on blogger?) the main points for myself with out explaining them because hell, barely anyone reads this anyway and it would be WAY to large of a task to try to put everything that happened down. Seriously, just yesterday alone could have been a week.

So where to start....

Lengthy conversation with Mike

Liz
Love
Confusion
Me
John
Trust
John and I
Letting go
Holding on
Free will
Choices
The choice to love as opposed to the obligation
Wanting vs. Needing
Fear
True love
The concept of "If you truly love someone you have to be able to let them go."
Tears
The choice to be free

Interview at Little Italy Pizza

Very Brief
20 hrs a week
Cashier
$7.50/hr with possible raises
6 Weeks
Make decision Friday

Long conversation with Mom but more like mom did all the talking (This is where things get bizarre! Idk where she comes up with most of this shit)

Sex
Virginity
Getting married when you're "used goods"
Being Catholic vs. Being a whore
Garret
"Pronography." (As she says it)
Masturbating or "Taking care of it himself" as she calls it (Soooo awkward, mom.)
"All men are animals."
Being genetically engineered to be a slut
John
Relationships
Virginity of the mouth (No, not oral sex, FRENCH KISSING!)
Shirt babies! (I guess sperm can travel for MILES all on their own! [?!])
Purity
Innocence
College loans
FUS
Moving out
Threats
Ultimatums

Long Conversation with Garret

My mom's perspective
My perspective
His perspective
Lots of laughing
"Hold on...hold...on...okay....WHAT?! No, ok....ok so she thinks....AHHH. WHAT?!"
Mind Explosions
"I'm offended that she thinks that about my girlfriend!"
"The (conversation) That-Must-Not-Be-Named" (<-- Marriage)
"Well, it's difficult because we're NOT having that conversation right now." (lol)
"...No...No...Put your mom on." (<-- Every other sentence that wasn't Bullet Pt. #5 lol)
Choices
Options
Breaking up
Bullshitting vs. Getting What You Want
Negotiating
Doing what *I* want to do
Making my own choices

Long conversation with Dad

Making choices
Making good choices
Making them on your own
Guidance
Wisdom of the Church
Wisdom of parents
Maternal/Paternal instinct
Respect
Trust
Garret
Power of Touch
Catholic University Vs. State School
No threats
No ultimatums
"The Slippery Slope"
Being "just friends" after having sex
Gaining trust/respect back
Using the tools given to me
Conversion
Making good choices (again)

Long conversation with Garret (Again)

Dad's perspective
Our relationship
His past relationships
His personal philosophies/things he's learned from past relationships
Why he believes what he believes
What I want
What he wants
What we want
What we like about each other
Why we're together
Happy things :)
Desperately still trying to avoid "The Conversation That Shall Not Be Named." lol
Things that need to be done

This was all because they are CONVINCED I'm having sex, which I'm not, unless that virginity of the mouth thing is real. Then I guess I'm NOT a virgin after all. :P :P

Silly parents...Too bad they would never believe me if I told them I am waiting until I get married to have sex (or "intercourse" as my mom so awkwardly calls it.)