A few hours ago I had a conversation with Mike that just, I don't know, blew my mind.
Lately I have been trying to orchestrate a trip to see him via John and Yorrick. My plan is, to take a bus down to see John for a few days, have him drive me up to see Mike and then have Yorrick help me get home, basically. Of course, I am super excited to see John and ACTUALLY meet Yorrick. :D
But anyway, today I told Mike I might be able to come see him in two weeks. Somewhere in the conversation he said he might cry.
I just...
...No one's ever cried when they saw me before.
I just have such mixed emotions right now. Like, on one hand, I really want to see John. I miss him, really. But...it's been so much longer since I've seen Mike.
And the past few days. Ugh. I'm sorry, words just....they don't have the capacity to describe my relationship with Mike. Ever. lol It's just so...insense. Which again, doesn't adequately describe it alone.
But anyway. How am I going to be when I have to say goodbye to John for who knows how long and say hello to Mike at the same time? How is John going to feel when I race off happily to Mike? How is Mike going to feel when he sees me kiss John goodbye? What if I race through my time with John because I'm anxious to see Mike and regret it late?
Part of me wants to just focus on how excited I am to see Yorrick in order to those thoughts out.
But I can't just do that...
Who am I more excited to see?
WHY (*slams fingers on keys*). WHY is it that everytime my relationship with John get's...weird...and distant....no. I can't...no.
no no no no no
I know where that's going.
You know what? Having someone who can see and feel you when they're hours and hours away is REALLY....
....
....
....really....
frusterating.
Don't ever try it, okay?
I just...I can't get that mental image out of my head. The one of me hugging Mike, and Mike crying into my shoulder, and that...electric feeling there is when we touch. Like two live wires being connected. And John just...standing there next to the car in the distance.
Would he ever understand? Can he ever understand? Should he ever understand?
I want John to come back. I feel like he's fading into the background. We're not...on the same level anymore.
When I left school I was shaking, and sobbing. I felt like my heart was being ripped straight out of my chest. It was like I couldn't even function THINKING about leaving John's side. His support, his love, his patience, his hugs, his eyes, his breath....everything was mine. When he breathed, he breathed strength into me. His heartbeats kept the blood pumping through my veins. When I buried my head in his shoulders, my thoughts stablized. I couldn't imagine leaving him. I knew it would be like running on low battery trying to live far away from him, and for the first few days it was. But now....now, we barely talk. He's constantly "busy." And all I can do is sit here at my house, alone, the tragedies of my family muffled into the background, with that image of seeing Mike running through my head. It's like I am physically here, but every move I make is no longer dicated by my thoughts and mind. I see everything around me but it is all so dim and distant. I don't know where my mind is.
Some moments it's on the bus. There's rain on the bus windows. It's dark outside. I'm pulling up to the Easton station where John is waiting for me. I walk down the steps just like I do every other time. I walk out onto the sidewalk and I look around. John's standing there, waiting for me to come over. I walk over calmly, I say hey, he askes me where my bags are and I say on the bus. We walk over together, get my bags, and he luggs them to the car for me. We get in, sit down, and I ask when I can have my hello hug. He huggs me, briefly, awkwardly - sometimes he kisses me - and we drive back to his house, quietly, because we talked about everything on the phone durring my long ride down.
Other moments I'm in the car, riding to see Mike. Oh God, my heart is about to explode, through my eyes I think. I feel what John's feeling. That feeling that comes with saying goodbye. That feeling of forcing yourself to move forward when all you want to do is run back. I know how he must feel driving me to where I will leave him. But at the same time, I feel Mike. I feel him sitting in Torry's car on the way home from work, looking out the window wondering if he could drive any slower. I can see him walking in circles around his little room nervously awaiting my arrival.
Then it switches to that sceen I keep playing over, and over in my head.
Will John cry after he leaves? Will he almost miss a red light because his tears are bluring his vision.
Why is Mike happy to see me come, and John only sad to see me go?
And my thoughts end there.
